amourfoncearte

Sunday/Monday Morning

2008-09-08T21:09:25Z

At about 12:55, I pulled out the Swiss Milk from my brand new refrigerator and poured myself a small glass of milk and shoved some friut snacks down my throat. But why? To wash out the taste of boy still lingering in my throat. I just got back from a very very long date with a guy named Eric. Eric is a cutie pie. He has this sexy asymetrical hair that he always keeps his bangs a blondish color. I met Eric online on a website called Gay Gamer. On Gay Gamer, I posted a thread asking if anyone wanted to date me. And Eric answered! Now, Eric is 21 and I'll be 18 next week but the age difference doesnt really bug me. He's so fucking charming! But before I get there, let me give a little summary of my day.

So when I got home last night from the party, I decided to take advantage of the fact that my roomate wasn't going to be home for the weekend and I stayed up all night trying to organize stuff/clean up. I didn't really go to bed at all. At about...10amish I took a little cat nap, but after that I had to get up and go meet my parents for Brunch. When I dressed myself earlier today, I realized that I looked like the Joker so I took off my purple pants and put some jeans on. I met with my parents. You know....same shit. Loving mother, questioning dad, annoying as hell brother. I really miss them, but it's almost like in a week alone, i've changed so much!! Like, I want to see them but I also want to be alone and left ot my own devices. I love my parents dearly but I need to figure some stuff out for myself. My mom was really proud that i've been so price concious since I've been here. That made me smile. She was shocked that I shopped at a thriftstore the other day and it made me happy that I could prove to her that the things she's taught me have actually given me a good stance in that area of my life. After we ate, we went to walmart to get the fridge. After we got the fridge, I decided to go back to the dorm and organize the fridge and microwave combo. I figured out a good way to do it. I just hope it stays.

So when I got home, I started right back where I left off. I had recently received my phone that I had previously left at my house. So I plug it in to charge it and I realize that I have a few texts. I find out that one of the numbers is Violet and I add Violet. Soon Violet tells me that everyone's sketching. Not wanting to be antisocial, I decided to just separate the big stuff and put it off to the side so it's still not messy. When I leave the dorm and go up the stairs, I instantly see a bunch of animation kids and alums and again, not wanting to be antisocial, I talk. I think it's GREAT to hear from the alumni. It's important that I pay attention to them. While having those conversations, Eric sends me a message. He asks me if we're still on for today. Now...understand that...the way he sounded about the whole situation online was like...”oh we're gonna hangout and it's gonna be whatever”. Lol. And I was still on for that and everything! Then he asks me if I wanna go get some dinner with him. To which I instantly recognize as a date. And so I get super excited! Violet and I decide to go clean our clothes and hold figure drawing sessions while we wait. So that went great. Eventully, I had to go for the date though.

He was waiting for me in the main hall of the lobby. When I walk out and see him he says “hey sexy” and we hug. I was already mega turned on. Lol. So we go out to his car and start talking about where were going and getting very political while doing so. We had discussions over the bible and why it's valid or invalid. It was a lovely discussion! We turned out to have a lot more in common than anything else! We find a thai place and we chow down on some great food. When we're doing with our food,I take out my wallet to pay for my part and he stops me and tells me that he'll pay for it. So that was just SUPER sweet. I've never had a guy pay for my dinner. I was really like...swooning. Its not even money...it's the fact that he did something that sweet for little ole me.

We get back to the campus and we decide to go to the screening of Big Lebowsky. Now, I really did want to see this movie, but he had me sorta distracted. Everytime we'd both laugh at something, we'd get closer and closer. He'd slowly put his arm around me and I started leaning in to him. It was the best ever. : D I'VE NEVER FELT SO LOVED/LIKED/DESIRED! Lol. We start cuddling and cuddling and I'm petting his furry skin and havin' a good ole time. He eventually asks me if I wanna go somewhere else to be more private. I giggled a little and said that I wanted to take it slower and such. Ya know? I tend to rush into relationships with some-what sexual motives, but I really don't want to be that way anymore. So we cuddled during the whole movie. He wraped me in his arms and I leaned on his chest. It's been a while since I've actually cuddled so it felt really great. He kept wanting to kiss me, which was super cute. After the movie, we went outside and found a dark bench and pretty much made out for a good 30 minutes lol. There was some guy in the shadows that was like...watching us so we got away from that area and found another area to go in the darkness to make out and snuggle and such. I was so cold! For whatever reason, I was cold and he was totally warm. So if I wanted to get warm, I sorta had to cuddle him. I would snuggle on his chest and he'd bear hug me. I love bear hugs and he gives the best ones.When I had to head back to my dorm, he gave me a couple of bear hugs and we made out a little. Lol. I guess my roomate definatley knows I'm gay now!! lol. I really want to see him again. We are surprisingly compatible. And neiter of us expected that. I really hope this works out for the best. I have a really good feeling about him. :)

So last night I fell asleep mid-scentence and kept typing like “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” because I'd fall asleep pressing one letter. Lol. But um...it's about 9:18 right now and my first class is at 1. Today is the first day that we actually get classes. Oh dear. I'm sorta afraid, but not really....but I really am. :( But i'm not!! OH GOD, CAL ARTS IS STARTING!!

Saturday night/sunday morning:

2008-09-08T21:08:27Z

So I'm sitting here completely nude in my dormitory. My roomate is gone to LA for the weekend. My roomate is sorta blah. He's a cool kid, but we've really got little to nothing in common. I can't tell if he's gay or not and at this point I don't really care. He's nice and he has a good heart, but we just don't really connect. I guess I'm cool with that though. I mean, at least I can live with him. From the photos I see of his work on the wall 'hes a pretty well...I can tell he's a good photographer, but it's nothing that I haven't seen before. In fact, his photos remind me of Taylor Lovio a photographer at my school, who I believe is going to become quite famous one day. But I guess when I look at them, they're more of things he has up to remind him of his home rather than his actual portfolio work. And you know what? The photography program only has 15 kids in it and honestly, 15 is a really small number when compared to the 38 kids that are in animation...no correction, 48 kids that are in animation. So I've gotta respect that. I'm sure that he's a wonderful and mind-blowing photographer.

Last night, I started looking at my face really hard. As some of you may know, my self esteem is so-so. I've really sorta trashed myself with horrible, secretive relationships that I wasnt' even able to share with my friends. I guess that I'm just really super insecure with my face. I don't know why though. I mean, I love it, but I hate it. It's like something that Sophia Lemar always says on the Gay Pimpin' show, “Every queen should do this. Look into the mirror and every single day say to yourself 'I'm busted'”, you know? I have heights of thinking I look great to thinking I look like shit. But whenever I sorta bitch about it, people always tell me that I look fine. And I always wonder if these people are lieing to me and holding the truth back or if they're being truthful. I get it so much that I'm sorta coming to the conclusion that maybe I worry too much. I dont' truly know why I worry so much about the way that I look. I think it may have somehing to do with the fact that I spend a lot of time on the net getting rejected by intranet men. I dunno. I'm not totally sure. I mean.. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that since I was young, my parents have constantly been worrysome of how I dress and how I look in public and so on and so forth. Perhaps it's that for a good chunk of my schooling, I had to wear uniforms and even then, I was made fun of for what I wear. I don't quite know. It's so weird to me. Its like I can leave the house thinking that i'm super cute and yaddah yaddah yaddah but then once I get out and I see a cute guy somewhere I'll start thinking to myself that i'm not as hot as I am and that guy isn't interested in me (and fuck, most of the time they're fucking straight.) and I start feeling super ugly and shit. Then I look into the mirror and realize that I am ugly. I mean....I don't know... I really don't. I've just been severly struggling with my appearance and being at cal arts, the first week you hear things like LET YOURSELF GO and EXPRESS YOURSELF WITHOUT LIMITATIONS. I mean, do you know how liberating it is that I'm being showed movies and plays that have some just blatantly sexual and crude humor in them and content and i'm NOT being warned or there is no need to even have a fucking warning? I mean, it's just awesome that I'm in a situation where I'm just expected to let myself go and be true to myself. Yet I'm still so horribly insecure. I think that just now I'm going to make it my goal to be completely free and void of feeling as if I have to be insecure or even really thinking about meeting guys and such. The whole next week, i'm going to avoid the hot iron or anything super superficial. I think that I'm going to really benefiet from that because I won't hae to worry about constantly thinking someone is watching me or what I'm wearing isn't the best or this or that or the other.

Being here has made me realize how truly shelterd i've been. I haven't really had a chance to ever experience anything that isn't Walnut. Anything that isn't a mostly asian, suburb with super wonerful happy go lucky morals is just so foreign to me. And it's not necessarily like I feel that Walnut is horrible, but it's just that being here has made me realize that there really isn't a lot of actual real world experience that I've had to endure. I'm still very naieve and because of that I'm SUPER shy. Ive simply gotta get over that.

So anywhooo! About 45 minutes ago or so (around 2:50) I got into my dormitory back from another party! I felt a lot more comfortable at this party. There was still tons of drinking and even lots of Marjuana but I felt oddly comfortable. There were people there that were like me in ways and I simply just tried to relate to them. I dance a little with some of my girlfriends and we all have a good time. I mean, I've sorta realized that you have fun when you're confident and not necessarily when you drink. It seems like there are people that do'nt drink or even do drugs that do really good without doing any of that. And that's great! I really need to just start getting comfortable. I've realized that my intimidation is completely and total rational. I'm surrounded by people that simply very foreign to me and the fact that they're foreign to me is why i'm so intimidated. At the same time though, I'm realizing that there are tons of people that are actually really cool, regardless of wheter or not they do drugs or drink or whatever. The parties were FOR us to get more familiarized with the animation kids of past years and I really am. I mean...through drunkness, I'm learning which sorts of people are the sorts that I shold avoi. I've already learned to avoid someone completely when it comes to advice and such, but it'd be kinda shitty to mention who that was....but I mean, the upperclassmen and just my observation have really taught me something about them. It was weird how about 3 people ran into me and recognized me from animated buzz (an animation website for Cal Arts). It was sorta crazy. Wow...so I just fell asleep!!

Well it's about 4:10 and I'm dead tired....but I'm gonna keep typing. Lol.

Um anywho, today around 11ish, we went to Santa Monica. We got to go to this cheap ass amusement park! It was super cool/fun. Unfortunatley, one of my friends left their wallet and everythign there and couldn't get it back but other than that, great day. I had some great Thai food and we went to a thriftstore and I got a thing for my bed and 3 long sleeved shirts. It was epic! The party was after the santa monica trip! I'm so glad that I didn't actually go with cal arts! That's the super summarized version, since I'm tired and I ave to clean. My room is super messy and such!! lol. My parents are visiting me tommorow so I need ot make it seem like I'm being clean. !

Well at 4:22 I'm gonna go to sleep! Gotta be up around 11.

Early Morning Friday

2008-09-05T21:32:04Z

Early Morning Friday:

I had to get up late for registration this morning. That wasn't very fun at all, but um...I got it done. I'm all clear! I got the Lady Murderesses class and I was cleared. I CAN FINALLY START LIKING CAL ARTS!

So today, I went to Target with Josh, Violet and Sabrina. It was super fun. I FINALLY got some proper hair wrap stuff. NO MORE SARAN WRAP. I was super happy about the whole ideal! Now I don't have to be SO strange around my roomate with my crazy ghetto saran wrap. Lol. And I'm really hoping the results are hot lol. We also went to Walmart and I got a microwave! Now I can like..warm stuff up!!! yei!! Soon my room will feel like an actual dormatory and not some crazy bedroom. Lol.

As we were leaving the walmart something happened. I was struggling to figure out how we were going to get into the car with my stuff and these two girls (bitches) in these plain black dresses get out of the car, look at us and say “Ouch, Bad fashion!!” and like...One thing you MUST know about me is that unfortunatley I've always struggled with some sort of insecurity. I'm very paranoid about people's opinions of me even though I don't quite care for what they actually are. When she said that, it pierced my security. She essentially stabbed my already half broken heart (we'll talk about that later). I don't know... I mean, I know I look different but...ugh. I don't know. I think I have a good taste, and if I do'nt...then honestly, the world has shitty taste. If plain black dresses constitute good looks and being creative and wonderous, I don't think I want to be all that fashionable. Because that's just lame and thoughtless. People outside of Cal Arts are so much like walnut. Rich people with too much time on their hands. Mean, the BITCH WAS WALKING INTO FUCKING WALMART. :/ Don't get me strated. I remember being stared out so hard when I was at CSSSA. I mean, even at the fucking walmart, people were just so strange. I really annoyed me. I do'nt even really know what to do about it. The culture is just so different outside of the walls of Cal Arts. Ugh. I hope it gets better. We've bee there for about...70 years or so....I think it's time to change!!

We got back to the campus, we were sweaty of course. We couldn't find the books we needed to order for classes online so we really sorta just..got super frustrated and left. So we returned back home completely bookless. We all decided to order them. When we got back to the dorms, we all went into Violet's room. She had recently switched roomates because her previous roomate had some sleeping problem which made her snore super bad. Her room was overlooking the pool. Now...if you've heard about the pool at cal arts, you'll know that it's clothing optional. In fact, apparently it was named on the nude beaches of America's list. I just look out her window to just take a gander at the pool and I see a nude man. Entirely nude. Now...I'm not stranger to the nude male body...I've seen a lot of them quite...close up (but we WON'T talk about that) but for whatever reason I was stunnned. He WAS a hot guy so I didn't really mind, but um... yeah. It was still just a little strange to see a nude man casually sitting out in the sun completely nude. Of course, being the person I am, I start talking about how there's a nude guy and how I really shouldn't be looking. And as i'm doing that, I realize that the window is WIDE OPEN and he turns around to look up at us. Lol. I just dash away as fast as I can. I was...well frightened but excited I guess.

I go back to my room, change out of my sweaty clothes and go for some lunch. For lunch, I had a bunch of fruit and some pasta. I've been eating SO good these past few days. :) I can tell I'm losin weight. I hope I can become annorexia skinny. I hear that's in. While at lunch, we get told about some party. And after much debate over the party vs. producer shows at the Bijou, we pick the party.

Now, going to this party was a mental stuggle for me. I was completely afraid of um... drugs and alcohol. I seriously was. I mean, I'm pretty straight edged and everything but um....I dunno. When I was at the party, I kept think about what my friends back at home would say. You know...”omg, let's not do this, we don't need to drink to have fun” and all those sorta things. One of my friends (You know who you are) would simply straight up leave. The entire night was sorta akward and strange for me. I felt like I should drink (since I'm under the impression that it's not as bad as the media makes it look and after tonight, I realized that it really wasnt) but I didn't do it at all. Kris, an upperclassmen seemed to be playfully trying to get me to drink, but i'm really not all that...I dunno. I'm just filled with propaganda. I really am. And its hard to get over. You know? I assume that I will drink eventually, but I just really didn't want ot drink right away. I want to get comfortable with it before I try it. I mean. It's not something that always leads to addiction. I mean, yeah it happens, but it's not like smoking where you constantly crave it. There were a few cute guys there. A lot actually. I'm sure Violet woudlln't agree, but whtever. I have a strange taste in men. I got to see my current crush shirtless so um...I'm pretty happy with that. LOL. I'm so failish. I know that it's cal arts, but i'm still attracted to straight boys. LOL. It's so horrible. I need to find a cute gay guy to hit on and shit. I'm hoping that'll happen in QAC! We'll see. There's another party on saturday apparently and I may or may not decide to drink that night. Apparently, this is the last time that we will get a chance to actually party and have fun so...I do want to make the best of it. : )

The party ended about an hour ago. It's 1:34 and my roomate still isn't in, he was at the party too. Lol. He's probably having some sort of crazy fun with whoever and what such. Lol. So um, whatever. I do'nt know. I just felt like such a square, I've gotta get more comfortable. : )

The morning of September 4th.

2008-09-05T21:31:43Z

The morning of September 4^th.

It's around 6:22 in the morning and I just got done wraping off the saran wrap cuncoction of deep conditioner from my head. My hair has been taking abuse for the past few days. I haven't truly overused my hot comb but after the first day, I tried to start making it straighter and straighter. I take it back, even the first day, I tried to make it straigher and straighter. I guess I'm just paranoid about looking crazy. Even though it's art school, I almost get the vibe that art students care about fashion. And I do care, but not as much as people would probably think I do. Most of the people in animation, both guys and girls seem to be very fashionable. Which is interesting to me. Artists at Cal Arts all seem to have unique yet extremely similar looks. The guys all look a like for the most part, really. I mean, there are some people that stand out, like the cute gay boy that wears sleeveless t-shirts and scarfs and the other gay boy that wears form fitting skirts over jeans. It's entertaining really. It's a little depressing that there isn't too much uniqueness at the school as far as personal dress goes. I mean, I'm not saying that I'm some great person that has these great ideas for clothes and such, but I dunno....I paint on almost everything I wear. Most of my t-shirts are t-shirts I've painted on, my necklaces are all hand made from clay and my messenger bag is a piece that I've spent minimal, but good time on doing. I thought there'd be more do-it yourselfy people here, but whatever. They're all good to look at. I'm attracted to most of the guys here. Lol. Though like most guys that are artistic, I think they're gay. Lol. But whatever. I'll get over that.

Yesterday turned out to be a depressing but very interesting day. I got up early to go to the critical studies meeting. Oh god critical studies. There's only about 8 classes and I want to take most of them except two. I really don't want to take Black Poetry or Holy Hip Hop. I don't want to take Black Poetry because I mean...it's NOT that I dont think our history is important and that its something to be overlooked or denoted, but I feel like if I'm going to learn about poetry, I want to learn about poetry from all countries from all walks of life. We get enough black history in America and honestly, we need to start looking foreward and not backward. I'm a person that considers myself a person of the world. I believe that I'm just a person that exists on this eart for what reason I exist is anyone's guess. My skin my be black but it's not my identity. I'm a product of my surroundings. The way I speak, the way I walk, the way I approach people, it's all part of the way I've grown up. So I don't truly feel the need to take a class about Black Poetry (even though the TA is hot!). I don't want to take Holy Hip Hop because it's two of the things I don't really like in one class. I dont really like most hip hop and I'm slightly religious but religion really frustrates and annoys me most of the time. I'm really hoping that these classes will be filled SOON. I'm good with all the classes but those. As it turns out, I have to go into late registration. Isn't that a bitch? Oh and guess what, late registration is at the same time that class sign ups are. So right now, it's 6:37 and at 9:00 I have to be there EARLY as hell waiting to get a chance at late registration. Because when I'm registering, all the other new students are going to be getting their classes. Holy Hip Hop and Black Poetry better be filled. Though honestly, things like this either work out effortlessly or they end up dramatically failing. I know that God is on my side though. And I know that he will make it so that everything will work out the way it needs to be. I just hope my hair can dry and I can style it fast enough to get there before everyone else. Hahah.

Yesterday we met all of our Animation Teachers. I'm very stoked about starting classes. All my teachers seem to be very interesting. My mentor is Leo Hobaica, who also held most of the New Student events at Cal Arts. He's also my Color and Design teacher. He seems like a real character!! So im very much excited to start that. All the cool classes don't seem to be offered to the freshmen. Like Corny Cole's class for instance. It's not available to us. Lol. Which is sorta bummer because I love Corny even though I don't know how to act around him. Lol. There's also an Acting for Animators class that's new this year, but not for BFA1s. The teacher, who's name escapes me, was the live action reference for John Smith from Pocahontas. It's so awesome. In our meeting yesterday, the instructors were talking about how we're going to see the same people for the rest of our lives as long as we stay in animation. And it's so true. Hahahah. I mean, Im not in the industry yet, but the amount of CSSSA kids there is frighteningly interesting. We're all going to be together for as long as we try to be animators. I still dont' feel like I'm quite as good as they are, but I feel like in time, I'll get better at what I'm doing and eventually, I'll be able to just get better. I dont want to focus on competition. I just want to better myself.

Yesterday, I went to the 7pm club meeting at Tatum Lounge. The BSU, Latino and Queer clubs all met up yesterday. That was all totally cool! I signed my name up to QAC (Queer Artist Collective) as soon as I could!!! I was very excited to meet the other people that joined the club (cuz they're gay guys and I want a date-lol) but only about 3 of them actually talked to the leaders about what's going on. But I could tell there were others that signed up because I could tell a lot of the gays on the couch were kinda sorta listening in. The members that went to the meeting were both very cute sorta tall blondish brownish guys. If my memory is correct, one was in film. I don't remember the other. Hahah. They seemed very nice! So I'm gonna try to stick with them and not the-what seems to be bitchy- gay guys that decided not to be part of the discussion. Lol. Somehow I think that it's going to be a pretty good year. I'm really exicted to start being an activist for gay rights and pointing out the fact that we do exist and we do need our rights. QAC apparently puts on a bunch of different art events, has gallery shows and goes on trips and such. I'm just very very very very exicting to start getting into something gayish that isn't only on wednesdays! Thank God for art school, seriously. Tons of more gay guys. Not as many adorable lesbros, but I'm totally fine with gay men!!! lol. I asked one of what seemed to be “leaders” in QAC (there are no official leaders) if the club gets bigger (since a 3 person club is sorta fail) and she did tell me yes! So I'm very excited for that! Can't wait.

After the Club meeting, I went to the Bijou theater to watch a movie called Fur that stared Danny ...I forget the last name and Nicole Kidman. It was a fantasy story about the life of Diane Arbus. I would explain the movie to you, but I sorta fail at that. Essentially, the story is about Diane picking up her camera and becoming the artist she's always meant to be. She gets encouranged by a mysterious, but very alluring man that's entire body is covered in hair. Over the span of a few months, the man introduces her to a world of circus “freaks” and alternative scenes. The movie is absolutley beautiful. Everything looks like a painting. PLEASE WATCH THIS MOVIE. It's so good.

My hair is finally starting to get dry. It feels so soft! Hahaha. Now I have to style it up in a pomp! Lol. I plan out what I'm wearing a day in advance because I'm cool like that! I've noticed that since I've been here, I've started to have certain rituals like making up my bed and showering every night that I don't do at home. Lol. I guess that's good! I already feel like I'm losing weight. Which is great since I wanna do that! The only thing about that is that they have a Cuppochino machine here and it's so hard for me to just pass that at lunch and not get anything from it!! lol. I only have a 10 meals a week meal plan! Which I guess is pretty good, but is also not that awesome because I have to find food some days. I dont have a fridge so...yeah. :( My parents are visiting me on saturday for my birthday (which is next sunday BTW) so hopefully they'll be brining one for me!! The people right next to me have yet to connect their wireless so I can't get online right now. Lol. But um...I'm gonna post this as soon as I can and I'm not doing anything!!

I can't believe that today's already thursday. It seems like time's already starting to go fast around here .I don't want it to though . I want it to last forever. I cannot wait to start working on my fim and start figuring out what my artitic voice is. I'm still having internal conflict with doing what I want to do as far as subject matter in my film. On one hand, I want to make a film about sexuality (mind you, it's 90 seconds!!!). I'm not sure, what short thing I could do and the message I want to get out there, but my homosexuality and all the drama that comes with that is just something that's super important to me right now. That's what I want to make a film about. I don't wanna make something cute. Lol. I dunno. All I've heard here in the past few days is “go for it” or “push the limit”, but still there's struggle within me. I don't know if maybe it's internal homophobia or what.

Well it's about 7:07 right now and I've gotta go do my hair, make a BM and get dressed!! Mayb not in that order, but whatever.

OH. lol. I had a dream last night. Something about everyone dressing in punk clothes for some event. I dunno! Lol. It was pretty random but definatley at Cal Arts.

Love you all!

September 3rd-Morning

2008-09-03T14:38:44Z

So I just woke up in my water inspired bed linens. I'm actually really getting used to this whole thing. I sleep by the window so it's like an automatic alarm clock. I don't need to worry about that so I'm very happy about that. I spent last night straightening my hair and watching Blood the Last Vampire after the tons of activities we had to do.

Yesterday, we did nothing but a bunch of orientational activities. I got to meet Leo Hobaica, who is my Color and Design teacher. He seems to have a really interesting and entertaining personality. I'm really looking foreward to his class. Looking forward to meeting all my teachers in fact. I'm just not remembering this but I JUST had a dream about Corny Cole. It was like...me and my friend Bonnie were at some movie theater and Corny was handing out tickets to the movies (which was strange) outside of the theaters and then I was like "That's my figure drawing teacher, Corny" and Bonnie went "oh" as she usually does. That was a wierd dream. hahaha. When I got home from the screening of Secretary, a love story about a woman who decides that submiting herself in several differnt ways to her boss in her comfort, I looked at my schedule for today on my itouch (since i sorta like..emailed it to me since Cal Arts fails at handing out paper work) and i found out that at 7 there's a meeting for Quack. Quack is the.... Queer Arts Collective if I remember correctly and I REALLY want to join that. Mostly to meet guys though. lol. I reeeeeeallly want to meet guys and flirt and shat. lol. I think that'll make me pretty happy .The only downside to the whole thing is that the Latino and the Black Student Uninos are also meeting there. I'm VERY split about joining BSU since Ive never really felt the need to surround myself with people that look just like me (since that's boring as hell) so I dunno. I probably won't join.

Well I't sbaout 7:37 right now. We've gotta be at this orientation for Critical studies today. YAY .

BTW, there are a LOT of cute guys at Cal Arts (and a few extrememly handsome and very charming ones in the animation program). My friend Violet disagrees. lol.

Second day at cal arts.

2008-09-02T16:56:26Z

So today is my second day at cal arts. First of all let me say that the past few days I haven't slept because I've been packing like a mad man. lol. I've been super paranoid about packing like EVERYTHING. I have an entire bag filled with just hair supplies. Which is sorta lame. lol. My draws are filled to the brim. lol.

Leaving my parents was kinda hard. I mean, I've been alone before but now I'm a alone and I have a credit card and i have to deal with money and such. So that's totally not that comforting. I'm like...I dunno. I already have to deal with financial aid drama. I have to go in and pay for my left over tuition and such. I sorta wish that my parents were on top of that more. My dad left the whole registration process to my mother. My mom has MS and gets stressed out very easily. And you know what? The financial aid office is totally bitchy. God. So like, her stress levels go up really fast. We didn't pay/validate/assure/confirm our loans before the 28th of august so now I'm having to pay 200 dollars for late registration. And it doesn't help that i don't understand moeny. I'm not gonna bitch about how financial aid has been so bitchy to me but um...yeah :/

So my roomate is pretty cool. I asked for a gay roomate and he may or may not be gay. lol. I dunno, i'm sorta hoping he's gay. Not that I want to get with him (not really my type) but just so if I have any boy problems I can bitch to him and have him not feel strange. lol. He could be gay though. I don't really know and I feel strange asking. lol. I'm sure I'll find out. Im really hoping I can find gay guys on the campus, so far doesn't seem like theres many. Or at least in the freshman class. Yesterday the freshmen checked in. I'm assuming that today people check in that aren't freshmen. lol. So I"m crossing my fingers .

I'm 17. And like, that's probably not too uncommon this year, but like...I don't know. Older kids are so my different. lol. I mean, some of the freshmen are 24 or 25. And that's significantly older than me. We're sorta in different places. I mean, some of the animators seem really cool and really fun and really I dont know...open. You know? LIke, yesterday some guy was running around doing pelvic thrusts in the air while wearing shorty shorts. lol. I mean, I'd never be able to do that. lol. Yesterday while having a conversation with other animators, I felt so out of place. They have like...these abstract conversations about things that don't exist. and I'm just kinda like "oh, well that's nice. : D" lol. I'm just really um...I don't know. I'm sorta reserved. I mean, I'm not too crazy and I'm not really like...I don't know. I'm creative but not creative enough to have abstract conversations. lol. I'm really really really really hoping that I'm able to open up a lot more. I think that if I can open up, then maybe I can get more friends and such. I mean, i don't get it, I'm not really shy at all but um....I dunno I'm not extroverted enough to like....be that loud and boisterous and just...I dunno as fun as they are.

Oh shit, it's 9:45. I gotta go!!

Update!

2008-07-23T17:31:22Z

So I haven't actually posted anything here in a while!!! I probably should since all the animation kids seem to be doing it.
So lately, I've been working on character designs for the comic that I've been wanting to make for a while ( a while being about 4 years). I really like the results. :)

Anywho. So these are done for now, more to come.

I'm super excited for Cal Arts. I really can't wait. I still cannot believe I made it into such a wonderful school. I'm still worried about paying for school though. It scares me a LOT. :( I think that I'm going to just apply for a bunch of little scholarships.

Anywho, not sure if I've stressed about this before on my blog, but I'm MEGA scared for Cal Arts and my personal style. The way I draw is a lot more realistic than I've seen a lot of Cal arts students draw for their animations. This is the style that I want to animate in. You know? i don't really wanna change it to look like other cal arts students (I do admire them though!!). To me, a lot of Cal Arts students draw the same. I could look at one person's film and not even know that different person did it. I mean, i don't know if I've just not seen enough films or blogs or whatever, but I can't help but feel that way. It's not like I feel like my style is superior (because it's not and all and all, those people probably have better foundation than I do), but it scares me sometimes how similarly some people draw. It makes me worry whether or not I'm going to end up drawing that way...not that I'd mind, but it's sorta like...I want to animate like this. I know i'm gonna have to exxagurate a lot more, but like....al in all, i don't wanna animate like the powerpuff girls or Dexter's lab or any other seeminly generic cartoon network show. I dunno. sometimes I wonder if i'm gonna be an animator. I want to be one soooooooooo badly, but I guess my art looks more like a concpet artist than an animator. I mean, when i look at animator's work, I can tell it's animator's work. when I look at mine, I think it's an illustrator's work.

I just hope my style dilema works out. I know it willl. Can't wait to try.

I hate it when...

2008-02-17T18:15:32Z

People give me gifts I don't want and there's this silent "oh what did you get ME' that is never spoken, but obviously stated in the mood. and you're FORCED to buy something.

My first date

2008-02-17T17:58:16Z

Lol, so I haven't been on here for a while... I recently went on my first date... yay.

Okay, so this is how it all went down.

The entire day I've been waiting and waiting to get a text message. Last week, me and Wyatt decided we wanted to meet. If you don't know who Wyatt is, it's the guy i'm "talking" to-I met him online-on gaia. Anywho, I trusted him-seeing as it's gaia and I gave him my number and all that good jazz. The text messagte I'd been waiting for was a text message giving me the OKAY to go to the mall and meet up with him. See, neither of us can drive. He's 18-sophmore in college and can't drive. That doesn't really bother me TOO much TBH, because I know most kids are that way. Anywho, I got the okay to go and I was SET. I washed some clothes (wore my angry ice cream shirt which he LOVED and my fitted jeans), took a bath and waited til 3 and then I left. :)

So since my parents don't kno wabout the whole "I like to sleep with men" thing, I told them was going out with friends. I actually WAS going to do that, but neither of my best friends could go (which didn't turn out to be such a bad thing). So my mom drops me off at the mall, and I walk into the mall waiting for Mr. Wyatt to arrive. I was so nervous. I mean, I don't know what to think. He IS from the internet and on top of that his MOTHER was comming and I'd have to introduce myself to him.

So at first, I just sat on the new couches in the mall. The mall had undergone a LOT of rennovations. There was so many new things there and the mall wasn't as ghetto as it usually is. So I decide to just get up and look around. I checked the movie times. It seemed like Jumper was available so I just kinda decided in my head that, that would be what we'd see. So as I'm looking around, I spot a familiar face. I saw a peevish asian teenage male with a bouquet of flowers. I recognized him as one of the more akward male friends of a seperate group of girls that I hang out with. He said "hi matt" and I tried to quickly say hi and ignore him. He then babbled on to me something about giving a girl some flowers. I figured that I have some time to humour him and I decied to actually listen to what he says. He asked me to go with him to see the girl and to help him give the flowers to her. Since this was so effing adorable, I just agreed and went along with him.

So we go up the escalator to the Food Court. He asks me to look for the girl. I couldn't find her, but DID see one of my friends, Megan. I waved hi to Megan and i ran over to say hi to her. As I'm running over, I spot Jessica-another friend of mine. I say hi and we all blabber on like a bunch of teenage girls. I see Megan's boyfriend and I shake his hand (nice guy, they look SO good together.). We blabbered on and on til Jessica decides to ask me why I was there. I said "oh, i'm meeting someone". I mean, I wasn't lieing to them, I told them to complete truth. Then they said someone that miffed me for a good 4 minutes. They said "who's the lucky girl". Now, any of you that know me KNOW that girls aren't my thing. All I could think about hen they were saying that is "you honestly can't tell that I'm gay". I mean, I've never OFFICIALLY come out to people, but pretty much everyone with 2 cents and a brain knows that I'm gay.I was so shocked that they didn't know I was gay. I mean....LOOK AT MY MYSPACE. All of them are on my friends list. -as well as on my face book. Each state that i'm gay and that I like men. I've never dated a girl, and when they TALK about boys I generally chime in... ugh. They kept ASKING me who the girl was. Not only that, but they INSISTED that they go with. I was so frustrated I couldn't talk. I kinda just wanted to die.

I got several text messages from wyatt asking where I was. I eventually told him and he showed up and I DITCHED them. I met his mom, seemed some-what....>I don't distant. I don't think she was expecting me to be black. XD lol. And Wyatt....oh god. Wyatt is a SO fucking hot. like, I wanted to melt, but like...I was too busy being scared of my friends/intimidated by his mom to really fully melt. XD. So we said hi, and we left his mom to do some shopping.

As soon as we started walking I blabbered on and on and on about the mall. He didn't get a word in. I just talked and talked and talked and talked and he didn't say much of anything. I tend to do that when I'm really nervous...which I was. My main objective was to walk as FAR away from the group of friends as I could. So far that they'd just LEAVE. So we walked down to the opposite end of the store and then walked back. We got in line to buy the tickets and stuff. We ended up going with Cloverfield.

After we got tix, I wanted to go to the candy store. The candy store is the BEST. They sell cany and icces for CHEAP. We spent a good 10 miuntes looking for the candy store JUST to find that it was right next to the movie theater. I FAIL. I saved about 5 bucks getting a LARGE icee and enough candy to eat after the movie!! You gotta get those deals ,hon-ay! So we got the candy and walked back to the movies. ;)

When we got into the theather, I asked him where he wanted to sit. He said "I dunno":-which is basically his default response to...everything. Wyatt can be absent minded a lot of the times...but he's so cute I don't mind. LOL. Sooo we sat t down and watched the movie.

During the movie he kept fidgiting and stuff. He kept adjusting his clothes and fixing himself. Now, one of the reasons I wanted to go to the movies was for the typical-teenagers cuddlig in the theater thing). I leaned over towards him a few times hoping he'd read my signals, but he didn't. I tried to brush my leg againsts his, but he didn't get it. I was kinda miffed that my charm wasn't working. :( He would make comments during the movie and I genuinley couldn't hear them and asked him to repeat them in my ear. He did-and every time he did (which was several times), I wanted to kiss his cheek SO bad. So we finished the movie. We were bothe pleased, and then we headed out.

We then walked around the mall. Went to Cartoon field and looked at anime stuff, went to Ohayo and looked at Japanese stuff, then we went to go eat in the food court. The date was comming to an end. We started talking and talking and talking. And we TOTALLY started opening up more and more and more and more....but he had to go. He had to be out of there aroun 7:30. :( So he had to leave.
Before he did, he gave me the HOTTEST fucking hug i've ever had. :) He says he has moobs, but I felt some pectoral. He has the STRONGEST arms and he held on to me for an extra long time. :) it was so hot. :)
When he left, I giddishly called my best friend and giggled on the phone with her and waited for my dad to pick me up. He did.
I went home and got RIGHT on the computer. He was on. We started talking and talking about the date. Apparently he WANTED to kiss'n cuddle TOO...but our nervousness canceled eachother out. XD so now i'm all regret ful. XD lol.

I probably wont see him again for a while though :(
I have to wait. :(

Technicly, were not together, but I dont mind that at all. :) as he says "we're takin' it slow"

He found the Advocate

2007-10-23T02:35:19Z

Kay, so if you don't know-i"m not out to my dad...like at all.

He was rummaging through my room...for WHATEVER reason and found my Advocate Magazine. So on Sunday, he decided to have this huge talk with me about how if I'm gay, that's fine, but I need to REPENT IF I DONT WANT TO GO TO HELL. Now, i'm semi-religious, but I somehow doubt that me being gay would stop Jesus from loving me. The lecture went on for a while and he started to pretty much say that falling in love with someone of the same gender is okay, but having SEX with them was wrong (too lat for that. DX). It kinda made me mad because like.....ugh. I don't really believe in all that my father does. You know? Honestly. It's just kinda annoying. After a while, what he was talking about sounded like some mythological story. Part of me wants to believe in the Bible, but a the HUGE part of what I am makes me NOT want to believe it. I mean, I've never really been that strong of a believer in God or anything, but I do believe that there is some form of God or something mighty close. To be honest, christianity has made me feel like shit for most of my life. I mean, it's great to believe 80% of what it has to say about being a good person and all that jazz, but it's like......ugh. Everything always has that undertone of "this is normal. This is what you should do. If you don't do this, you're going to hell" and that just makes me feel shitty, as a homosexual. Because just by default I'm damed to hell. Trust me, if I could be straight and happy with it, I TOTALLY WOULD. But I can't and I don't think a lot of people actually understand that about homosexuality. It's not something that people just wake up one day and say "gee, I'm gay". Even the people that claim to have later "found out" that they were gay, have known for most of their lives.

Last week, my friends had planned to go Bowling, well THAT didn't work out because a section of them went to TGI fridays and didn't want us to come along. I was really pissed because the day we were supposed to go, I was supposed to go and see my relatives. As it turns, he's A LESBIAN. And I fucking missed it. To meet a gay person that's part of the family. I fucking missed it and that made me very very very veyr very very angry. God. my friends. I love them so much but FUCK. It's so hard doing things with them. :(. I mean, I want to go here, but they don't like going there because it's boring/stupid in thier view or thier parents are paranoid. I want to wear this, but they say they won't assocaiate with me if I wear it. Ugh. I don't know. I really dont. Sometimes I wish I had non annoying gay male friends....but that's nearly impossible. XD LOL. Gay guys annoy me. LOl that's why i'm teh single. XD

Ugh about that. I guess my whole goal of going to prom with a guy won't happen. xD My dad would die.

die.

For now, I've gotta hold alot of things in if I want to be supported, so I'm not realy going to express anything to him about ....anything. One thing that was good was that he did express that he doesn't want me being gay and him disagreeing to be something that puts a wedge between us. But the very fact that he'll have that I'll be going to hell in the back of his head, will bother me for ever.

amourfoncearte @ 2007-10-12T02:44:00

2007-10-12T08:00:37Z

Ho shit, guess I should update this betch.

M'kay current events.
So basically my little brother goes to my school now. UGH. My little brother has the worst friends ever. They're majorly annoying. Like I've said in past posts, I'M GAY. His friends keep asking me if I'm gay or not. And if you know me, you know that I don't LIKE telling people that I"m gay or not because I feel that if you can't tell, then that's just really unfortunate for YOW.

One of his friends is this little asian kid. He hunches over because his backpack is so heavy and he always tries to ask if I'm gay. Instead of actually asking me, he flicks his wrist. LOL. Which is pretty funny. His other friend is this white kid that wears too many clothes. LOL. Today he FULL ON VERY LOUDLY asked if I were bisexual.

Now....

if you know me.
you know there's about 3 things I hate violently in this world, and one of them is teenage bisexuals. Not that I don't like bisexuals (they're sexy), but teenage bisexuals that are just saying they're bi for teh luls is teh lose and teh aids. So I was really awefully insulted when he asked if I were bisexual.

I need a boyfriend. So that I can just very randomly make out with him and make people like him uncomfortable. XD

So anyways, he's all "HEY ARE YOU BISEXUAL" and I said nothing really.... xD Then he came back AGAIN and was all "are you bisexual, dude" and then I put on my black voice and started acting gangst<b>e</b>r. That scared the fresmenz...for a while. He came back AGAIN and asked me if I were bisexual. So I basically told him that I understand his attraction to me (because I mean....honestly), but he's a freshman, I'm a senior, he's short and ugly and........ . . . so it basically wouldn't work out.
and I loled, and they left.

Thank Jeebus.

Dude, seniore year kinda fails in some ways. I really want to take a guy to the prom, think that'd be hot. Problem is all the guys I like are straight (or at least to my knowlege) and I feel really strange trying for get someone from my school. XD LOL. CSSSA was so much more easy.
I'll probably just go to the prom alone and bitch at the straight people all night long. XD

The more I read about people that get rejected to Cal Arts, the less i want to apply. XD But hey, I'm learning from thier mistakes.

I'll post art later, bitches. For now, check it out here: www.amourfonce.deviantart.com

Would you consider yourself a homosexual teenager?

2007-09-04T04:12:45Z

So this labor day weekend, we decided to go to San Diego.
To be honest, I REALLY didn't wanna go. I mean, it's the first week back from school. my schedule isn't hectic or anything, but I mean...I really just wanna have time to be lazy.

So we go to San Diego and get a hotel. We didn't leave from the hour until about 5 in the afternoon, because we can't get out of the house at a decent time. We got a hotel. The hotel was slightly crappy, but it was decent. We got there, dropped our shit off and left for Seaworld.

We got there and found out that we couldn't use our Fun Cards because it was a black out day. A BLACK out day. Just another example of the MAN tryin' tah put da black man down. Psh.
So we went back to the hotel. My parents and my little brother fought over the TV turner, and we went to sleep.

The nest morning, we had to go to another hotel. We ended up going to a double tree. As we were walking in, I remembered the 820 pages of pure fashion sex that was recently bestowed on my mother, VOUGE. I asked her if I could borrow it when she was finished. She said "why?" and then i said "well, there was a guy at CSSSA that did fashion designs and I'm really interested in doing something similar". She snuffed and said "you and me have to have a serious conversation later on". She didn't say it in a mean way, but in a very funny almost sitcommish punchline kinda way.

See, my parents don't know that I'm gay. YES, I'M GAY-for those of you who haven't figured it out. IT'S VERY OBVIOUS.

anywho.

So it was late and my brother and my Dad wanted to go to the swimming pool. When they were gone, I started talking about my hair. Since I've gotten my frohawk, my parents have been really iffy about me having it really large (which it isn't). So I was combing it down. I randomly asked her if I'd look okay with white hair. Because I've always wanted to have white hair and I love it when young people have it. XD. LOL. Then out of no where, my mom goes

"Matt, I want to ask you a...personal question"
"Um...." as I lotion myself "what is it"
"Do you consider yourself a homosexual teenager"
and for a minute there, I had to process exactly what she was saying. I mean, she said 'homosexual teenager" and not "are you gay". So I'm like "betch, say what now?"

And I was lotioning myself so of course I said "let me finish lotioning and I'll answer you"

You don't STOP me in the middle of my lotioning and then ask me a serious question. PRIORITIES.

so anyways, I tell her. I told her I always have been gay. I've always known I was gay. I've never been attracted to females. I've never been insecure about my sexuality. I've never been straight-ever. My mom doesn't look TOOOOOOOO angry. She's mighty calm. But she had a really hard time wrapping her head around the fact that I was gay. See, apparently, she has had friends that were gay with eachother during college. She says that now, they're married and have children, so OF COURSE THEY'RE NOT GAY ANYMORE. Ugh.

She told me to "wait and make sure that this is something that you want to do for the rest of your life". She says that life will be hard on me. And look, I know that it will be. I am, in no way trying to say that I'm just going to go scott free and no one will ever bother me but.....I've always been ME. People talk about me, sure, but I've never been threatend or anything. HELL. I'm pretty tall, pretty large and i'm black-YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I COULD DO. lol. So people don't bother me about it. I haven't QUITE left the nest so I don't really know....but.....I JUST KNOW....that it'll be okay.

She still isn't sure that I'm sure that I'm gay. I'm sure I am. i'm very sure. I mean, I wouldn't have made the choice to be gay if I could. I just AM gay. I'm sorry, but I am. I don't want it to hurt my parents, but I AM gay. Females disgust me when thinking of them in a sexual manner. She doesn't quite understand that yet.

My mother is an open-minded person for the most part. Hell, i walked in on my mom watching Bareback Mountain one time. And when we were in west hollywood, she totally seemed buddy buddy with all the gay guys. LOL. I don't think that she'll have a problem with me being gay. I think she'll have a problem understand how I've ALWAYS been gay, but not that i"m gay. My dad on the other hand. He's constantly asking whether or not I'm gay and it bother me sometimes. He's told me that if I WERE gay that he'd support me...but I somehow don't believe that. My dad comes from a very religious background. and I just know that if I came out to him, he'd totally try to sign me up for some Men's Christian camp. Where I'd probably find a guy, fall in love with them and we'll cheat the system. (lol, like that one movie). It's kinda...UGH.

I WANT my parents to know and support me. Another one of my senior goals is to take a guy to prom. Honestly. That would MAKE MY FUCKING DAY. Because when i go to prom, I can already hear myself bitching and moaning about the heterosexuals. LOL. I'm so twisted sometimes. lol.

I want my dad to support me but I"m not sure that he would. He changes his mind...alot.

And the sad thing is that I'm MOSTLY worried about how much he'll support me in college.

meh, i'll just become a stripper.

OMG, YOU GUYS.
PLEASE DOWNLOAD THIS WONDERFUL MMORPG CALLED LUNIA. IT'S SO FUCKING ACE AND I REALLY WANT TO QUEST WITH PEOPLE. XD
HERE'S THE LINK, IF YOU DON'T DOWNLOAD IT, YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER REJECT.
[link]

August 3rd-the final project

2007-08-04T01:45:44Z

m'kay yeah. So this is basically the last week. i really dont want it to end. :(. I want to stay 2 more weeks. :( I really do. It's so fun. I thought I'd make a list of the things that I've learned and rough quotes about CSSSA animation.

Things I've learned at CSSSA animation:

"It is easier to make a film about rape and murder than it is to make a film that actually touches and moves people"-Masha
Not all animators know how to draw, but it's very very important.
There is no RIGHT way to draw.
"Everyone has the knowledge of motion inside them, but it's accessing that information and understanding it that is the hardest thing to do"-Masha
People that take the advice of review board members, usually get accepted to Cal Arts.
Don't go into a figure drawing class to draw like everyone else. Instead, allow yourself to express your feelings and your opinions on he model.
It is okay to copy/emulate artists that you admire. It will help you discover what you like about that style to use for your own. (something I didn't believe for the longest time int he world)
Fuck sticking to one style. Being versatile in every way possible will help you become a better animator.
EXPRESS YOURSELF FREELY.
Don't trust bisexuals. (unrelated).
It's okay to learn from each other because that also helps you grow.
Try different mediums.
When making a portfolio, do something memerable. Something that will catch an eye and that will express who you truly art.
TRUST YOUR INTUITION.
STICK TO YOUR INITIAL IDEAS.
Planning is sexy.
Animation isn't nearly as hard as people think it is.
Realism isn't a necessity.
Learn to talk to other people. It'll help you spread your mind.

Just being at CSSSA has REALLY REALLY REALLY shown me how sheltered I really am. Being here has made me realize that I've spent almost all of my 16 years of life completely alone, in my room and without any knowlege of the outside world (cept for maybe the park). I have a huge problem trying to express myself because I am so so so locked up and I never get to go out. I could go out, but I don't. I choose to stay inside and be in my room around things that are far too familiar for me. Things that are comfortable for me. That's really hurting me inside. It really does. I know for a fact that I'll be a different person when I get back home. I plan on going out alot more. I've also realized that I don't even try to go out unless my friends can go. My friends have strange parents that don't want them to do anything. It's time that I opened myself to new Ideas, new ways of living new ways of approaching things. I need to learn to be independent. Being here has really helped that. I mean, sure it's really helped my art alot, but it's helped me understand myself as well. I'm too codependent. I'm terrified of world, I really am. People here are so brave and so daring. They know about the world, they do things on thier own, they're involved with thier communities. I want to be like them. I'm so far behind.

Unfortunatley, I don't miss my parents. I thought I would, but I honestly don't. I could see myself living here for a long time after this. I really can. I mean, like it's so awesome having a dorm with roomates and suitmates and no parents knocking on the door every 3 seconds telling me that I need to take out the trash or do this or do that. Dorm life is so different than homelife. I like that. I mean, sure it'd be better were I completely alone, but you can't have everything.

It's also SOOOOOO OPEN HERE. LIke the teachers will just blatantly cus in front of you and you don't have to worry about them getting fired. It's REAL. REAL. I mean, at my school, people are like "OMG, DID YOU HEAR THAT MR. JAMESON SAID 'fuck that bitch' in english class today?" and it's all the rave. Here, it's passing by. I'm also open with mysexuality here. I'm not when I'm at home. It's accepted here. I mean, I don't care about what people think about my sexuality, but I really don't want ot burden my parents with all that jazz about me wanting to sleep with guys. LOL. We full on have SEX TALKS at CSSSA. Which is awesome, because in fucking Walnut, everyone's such a damned prude it's disgusting.

I love m friends at home, but being here has shown me how much I've dedicated myself to hanging out with just one select group of people. It's kinda sickening to me, really. I get a little peeved when I give them a call and send them a text message and I never get a response or there's about 3 minutes of dead silence. I don't want to say that they're boring, but it's almost like I can't quite say what I want to say around thme because they'll just completely freak out. I really love them, but i wish that they were a LITTLE more open minded and free like the kids at CSSSA.. CSSSA kids are so damned awesome. I mean, we still get the select Bible thumping complete prudes, but I mean.....most of them are like "fuck it, it's art school". And that makes me so happy. :)

Today, i got to talk with Corny Cole about making portfolios for Character animation. He said, for some reason that I'd make a really interesting portfolio. :) And that made me much happyo. :) I didn't really show any of my work, but....yeah. :) I really really really am stoked and I want to get home and start planning to take figure drawing classes and all that jazz just to get ready for my portfolio. I also plan on walking around alot and carrying my sketchbook and just DRAWING. and being free. My parents and my friends are really holding me down and stopping my from expressing myself. and to be honest, I kinda am too. I need to start being more proactive. I want to start being friendly and I want to know alot of people and I want to be more social than I am now. I mean, people don't believe it, but I'm actually horribly shy. I usually won't talk to people that don't talk to me first.

Oh cookies.
Yeah, the theater cookie is an ass, basically. I was really emo about it for a few days, but then after a while, I realized that I don't want to be with an Ugly, satanist druggie. Honestly. I realized that I was just physically attracted to him and that in reality, I'd probably be too much for him. he's all talk and no play. He loves to say "I want to boyfriend so that I can do nasty things to him in public". Then we're on the grass, he puts his head on my lap and me and twitchy start cuddling him. LOL. He kept saying "oh, I'm so happy right now". LOL. He kept telling me to stop putting my hands too far down his belly, but you could tell he liked it (he had a hardon). LOL. The next day he was pretty bitchy and basically started spreading stuff about me. Welll....I'm not sure, but I think it's more like....MJ started saying stuff about me and Logan and then accused Logan of being straight, and he just go completely confused. Which is pretty loller. I kinda sorta hate MJ for that though. He's the kinda guy that isn't white, but acts like that stereotypical white jocky asshole (mind you, I have none of those at my school). He likes to act as if he cares about gay relationships, but really does to to basically make the other people really mad or make himself laugh. he's very obnoxious and he really likes to make crude jokes about my sexuality and he thinks it's okay. He loves to ask me questions about my art, but you can tell that he honestly doesn't give a rats ass. It's kinda annoying because I know that in general he's a nice guy, but just doesn't know how to act around people that aren't from his backwater town in Missouri...or people that are like people from his backwater town in Missouri.
God, I'm such a bitch.

My dad sent me a long 5 page letter about 'staying with God". I love my Jesus, but It's hard for me to be totally for something that basically says that what is inately natural to me is unnatural and further more, an abomination. I work at church, and it's fun, but I don't know. I have a feeling when I leave home, I'm not even going to really go. I mean still have the majority of the morals that would apply to me, but it's hard. I mean, alot of things in the Bible say have to do directly with being heterosexual and all that jazz, but um....yeah, not so much a hetero... so yeah. But it's awesome in general. :)

To be honest, the thing I missed the most is whoring myself on my webcam. LOL.

God, I've been here for nearly an hour typing this entry. I lose. Comment, whores.

CSSSA-July 19th- Cookies and Cutouts

2007-07-19T23:42:38Z

Sooooooooooooooo like CSSSA (actually called Ceesah) here has been freggin' awesome, really. :) I mean, it's so inspiring and I'm changing so much. :) I'm meeting SO many people. We just finished up doing a cut-out animation. Which was really awesomely cool because like....it has paper, but it's like so totally moving. LOL, I sound like a valley girl even online. LOL. Anywho. I'm like sitting next to one of my Ceesah friends. :) Which is really cool. She's Twitchy Kris just in case you're wondering who it is. :)

Sooooooooo

COOKIES. Yes, cookies. Well basically I told this one cookie (who's kinda sorta into cookies as well as bitchwhoresluts) that I totally thought it looked really tastey and that I really tastey over txt (because I'm such a fucking geek and I can't communicate in ways other than like txting people on my phone. Ugh. So basically the cookie's in my animation class and it seems really cool, but it's a very strange cookie. It's not really sure if it really LIKES bitchwhoresluts or if it likes cookies. For the record, I'm TOTALLY for cookies like really. I can't stand bitchwhoresluts. Soooo basically the cookie never sent me a text message back. Which really kinda pissed me off. The next day I was totally questioning whether or not I wanted to do what I did last night...and like...sent him another txt (God, I'm such a geek). And like the cookie replied with "it ok". And I'm kinda like WHAT THE FUCK. Dude, totally how the hell can I spill my guts about all that and then get NOTHING. Not even "I don't like cookies'.

Ugh.

So I went down to this little cafe we have here. It's called "Mama's Cafe", it's extreamly loud and fucking annoying, but great for life drawing. Anyways. The cookie was totally there. And WOULDN'T YOU KNOW, he's chatting with a bitchwhoreslut that looks like the female version of me. Ugh. I kinda wanted to die. I was sitting there to draw the people playing pool, but what the fuck...like. Ugh. And he kept STARING at me. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Makes me so freakishly angry, I could just DIE. What an ass. I was so angry that instead of doing some life drawings I totally spent the rest of the time writing 3 pages of bitches about how bi-cookie-fucking-sexuals really are quite stupid and should be out of total existance. Ugh. Makes me so angry. I mean, what the helllllllllllllllll. I wanna bitch slap a bitch.

Anywho, so like the same cookie who I'm made about TOTALLY told this one girl Ed, and her boyfriend Guicestie that I liked cookies. Apparently I didn't make it clear that I wasn't really vocal about me liking cookies. I mean, it really helped, but yeah. So anywho, they had a friend that was looking for a cookiebud. And like. He just blurted it out, which kinda made me mad, but I wasn't so angry when I met the actual cookie. I'll just say that it's a tall cookie with a sense of humor. I can tell that it's a shy one but like.... yeah. I really kind want to eat that cookie. The cookie is a theater student, which is totally cool. :) LIke, really. I'm KINDA in theater, but like not really so much, but like I really just kinda wanted to get to know him and see where things go. Because I've always had a bi-cookie-sexual and they make me mad. i mean, they can't stay away from bitchwhoresluts. So you know what like, fuck them. Fuck that and fuck THE COOKIE. :)

Anywho, I'm like making people wait. I haven't really taken any pics yet. Sunday we're going to disneyland, which is totally megally AWESOME. :) Like, really. I really don't want to go to school anymore, but I kinda have to graduate if I want to go to freggin' calarts. BTW, we have T.A.s that are CAL ARTS STUDENTS. OMG, that's so awesome, you have like no idea. :)

Oh and my roommate is KIDNA a cookie, but not really. well...kinda...

CSSSA IS JUST FULL OF COOKIES.

Soooooo yeah. :)
IF I DON'T GET ONE, I WILL HAVE TO COME BACK AND SLAUGHTER SOMEONE. :)

BTW, if you're my friend and I send you a txt message, reply or I'll never talk to you again, assholes. :/

CSSSA-July 16

2007-07-16T23:48:58Z

OMG, I'm so sorry that I haven't been around to really update this. LOL. I'm like so busy now. CSSSA is so much more of a thing than I thought it was! Like, OMG. I kinda thought that you'd like totally get in as long as you really wanted to....but not so much. Like really...it's HARD to get in. :( My roomate is an animation student. Apparently he has classes for animation at his school...which is like...totally WTF. :( So anywho, he said that 300+ kids at his school applied for CSSSA in general. Only 3 of them made it in. Which is pretty much....WOW. I guess since no one actually tried out for CSSSA at my school I really didn't realize how big of a deal it was. I mean, WOW. It's sooooo much more of a thing!!

So the first night wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I have one animation roommate and 2 visual art roommates. We all kinda keep to ourselves for the most part so it's really awesome. :) None of them are really cookies, but that's all good. All we did was go to a BBQ. orientation and go to our rooms. The Director here seems kinda like an ass, but a nice ass so it's all good. :) I totally had a good sleep while I was there. I thought I'd have trouble falling asleep...not so much. :)

The second day was pretty cool. We did an orientation of the animation facilities and got to talk with the Figure drawing teacher, Mr. R (i really don't know his name.) He talked to us all about why exactly we wanted to be there. I totally didn't blurt out "OMG, CUZ I WANT TO GO TO CAL ARRRRRRTS" but yeah,

Dude, I'm so shy. I have a person that I think is a cookie and we've spoken online, but like they have a different flavor in real life. I looked at the catelouge and I only saw the bottom part of the cookie. We we met, the battter was so much hotter. The cookie's totally into animation which is awesome. There's also another cookie that I kinda have a taste for. It's a reddish cookie and it looks like it'd be really nice to...ya know go to a movie with it. :) I've always wanted to go to a movie with a cookie. LOL.
yes, code.

Any who, we got to see screening of 15 animation (including a transformers ad) in the Bijou theater. Which was totally awesome. I kept falling asleep unfortunately. I really think it's because I haven't been eating alot of food. LIke really. All I've had is salad and peaches. And dude, the food is totally good here, but for some reason or another I'm just not hungry. Maybe i'll get a cookie when I loose weight. :)

Now it's the third day. We actually have classes today. :) We started studying Film Noir. Which is totally cool. Film Noir is basically a film that has minimal lighting and lots of shadows. It really puts emphasis on the important key actions of that scene, which is totally coool. :)

Now we have a project. A crazy ass of a project, but sooo damned cool. :) We have to do this film made totally out of paper cuttings...which I guess is awesome, but toooooooooooooooootally time consuming. We constantly have classes, which is okay....since there's really nothing else to do.

The animation kids all pretty much stay together, which is so cool. The scarriest thing is that we;ve all met online. LOL. I got so many people comming up to me saying.... ."hey, are you from LJ" and I was "LUL, YES". LJ is addictive. I'm standing in the library waiting for dinner to start. We've having mexican. AYE AYE AYE. LOL, I'll probably just get peaches and salad again. LOL. I need to eat. We have another screening in the Bijou room today and I kept falling asleep. LOL.

Kay so every one's ff the net now. :(

God, I'm so shy. :( I don't get how I come off so confident online...because i'm really not unfortunatley. :(. I kinda just wanna break out of my shell, but it's really hard to. It requires me to be all....LOUD and stuff. And yeah, I'm loud, but this is a totally different environment to me. :( I don't know alot of about anything....fuck, half the time, people ask me "Hey do you know who ____" is? and I go all... "no" and like it's totally someone you should know if you want to be an animation student. Ugh. I wanna die. Hopefully updating this page will motivate me. The work is really tedious. Know how I kinda decided to not finish my storyboard before CSSSA? well like.....we have one due TOMMORO. and it's totally not easy. LOL.

Okay, I get the feeling that my buds are waiting for me. I know I said that I'll have stuff for you...like pics, but I haven't taken any. LOL. :)
Well yeah. I haven't even told you half of the stuff that I've done. So stay tuned, bitches.

CSSSA- The morning before July 14

2007-07-14T09:55:57Z

Okay so it's exactly 2:40 right now. I just got out of the shower. I exfoliated my entire body (a little too much on my face. I'm pretyt much packed. My room is mess. I really didn't want to leave a messy room, but I mean, what can I do?

I'm just sitting here putting together my last little sets of things. As far as clothing goes, I'm pretty much set. I'm really excited to wear my Old Navy shirts. I'm an old navy/target whore. Sometimes i even shop at WALMART, oh noez. LOL. I'm very very excited for it all. I've been totally worried about how i look. Which is pretty loller because I've never really cared until recently. LOL. talk about a bad time to start giving a damn. I packed a lot of undies. I'm insecure about them. I don't want to not have them. lol. Got plenty of socks too. I'm worried about running out of clothes to sleep in,but then again-i'm probably not going to even really run out. :)

god, I'm so excited. I really just can't wait. I've no real idea as to what we're doing on the first day. I mean, I kinda know, but not really. LOL. I lose the second CSSSA packet that I got. :( So I'm SOL. Unfortunatley.

I was so surprised that people haven't finished their gallery stuff yet. LOL. I have one friend that's not done with his gallery piece, doesn't have a thing that inspires him, and no masonite board. I mean, this guy is cool, but he's got all his priorities mixed up. He's from a different country, Mexico to be exact, so I don't know if it's just the shock and awe factor of Californian Culture or if he's just not giving a rat's ass. LOL. He says that he wants Prada Glasses. They're basically 300 bucks. He says that he's going to spend the money his parents give him on that. I hope I can talk him out of that. That's such a bad decision. It's like... not even....smart. I mean, we're there to learn, to have fun, to grow, but he's just kinda there to well...show off. If you're reading this bud, remember that i love ya, but dude. :( It's depressing. I'm kinda like...ugh. Thing is, since he's from another country, you'd think he'd care a little more. Afterall, only 22 people can come to the program outside of California. :/ You'd think he'd care a little more, but not really. We were just talking on MSN and he was all "well, I went shopping and I saw some celebrities" and that's all good and great and wonderful, but you're going to CSSSA to LEARN. You're not there to look cool or to show off your "amazing" art talents. :( I mean, come on. I know he's got higher aspirations. :(

I hope I don't run into shaddy people. Particularly, roomates. I don't want any shit pinned on me. and I know this sounds typical, but I'm black-okay? i don't care how much America's evolved as far as race goes. If someone stole a car and there were a line up of just me and a blonde haird blue eyes boy and we were wearing the same clothes, I'd BET they'd say it was me before they'd say it were him. I betcha. :/ So I'm really gonna have to be careful. I don't want to get mixed up in any fucked up shit. I wil not get mixed up in any foolish drugs. :/

I wear my red ribbon almost religiously. I hate drugs. I hate people that smoke and don't care about it. They can all die as far as I'm concerned. I don't even care if there's a long reasons related to depression as to why they smoke. It's destructive, it's rude and I can't tolerate it. I have the strangest feeling that I'm giong to get a druggie roommate. It's like I know. I just do. :(

Ugh. :(

I"m too paranoid. LOL>

Well I"m lookin' forward to tommoro. I'll be sure to update it when I get a chance. :) next time with pics.

amourfoncearte @ 2007-07-13T11:01:00

2007-07-13T16:01:45Z

Boy, it's close to that time. You know, CSSSA will in fact change my life. It's changed the lives of so many people. Alot of people that have attended the program have gone on to do great things. Even if they don't go to Cal Arts, they still end up doing really really wonderful stuff. I'll meet so many cool people. I"m just so entirely excited. I truly believe that this will help me get into Cal Arts. I have total faith in that.

Us CSSSA kids have been using the internet like mad to communicate. There's going to be alot of really good artists at CSSSA and some beginner artists and that's really cool. I've already met a good amount of really nice really cool people. I can't wait to meet them face to face. One of our concerns is that we won't even talk to each other. LOL. Which is more than likely to happen, really.

Well if you've read any of my past journals, I've been trying to lose weight. Yesterday, my dad was all "well you still have a thin frame" and that made me happy because he's the one that usually says crap about my weight. Well maybe I'll be able to keep that under check at CSSSA. xD. We're putting together a running a group. I couldn't do that with my friends. Either their parents are weird, they can't make it or they bring their small dogs. So lose. None of us have actually done this before, but we want to help encourage each other. I can't wait.

LOL, this week I planned to totally cram for CSSSA, but allt hat happened was I got an art block. XD. I'm trying to do 20 things at once and it's not working. LOL. Yesterday I started doing some posemaniac work, but then I said "well, I need to do backgrounds" and then I said "no, I really need to get on facial expressions" and then I went "no, let's read that gestures for animators book" and so on and so on. I've decided that maybe I just need a rest. LOL. Though it's kinda killing me that I haven't been able to do anything decent for about 3 days now. xD. I guess when you pour all you have into one piece, that basically drains you for the rest of the week. xD. LOL.

I really want to meet a cookie at CSSSA. I mean, I really really do. Because I'm able to like cookies over there because of lack of parentals. Yay. Even though I know I won't be able to be around it forever, I still want to cuddle a cookie that isn't on teh intranatz.

My parents are only giving me 100. I just KNOW that's not going to last. I'm going to die. I really don't want to be in a situation where people are doing stuff, btu I can't do it because I don't have enough money. I told them to give me just 200 because that'll pretty much cover any problems that I might have, but no. Cant' do that. :/

We still haven't gotten everything that we need for CSSSA. I keep asking my mom to take me to the store, but she doesn't want to. Makes me kinda mad, really. Kinda like she doesn't really care. :/ I mean, I know she has MS, but what's gotta get done, has to get done. See, my parents like to say that I always wait til the last minute for everything, which sometimes I do-but the truth is that my parents don't want to do a dang thing UNTIL the last minute. :/ And then they'll go "well, you should have told me ahead of time". and I'll be like "ugh".

LOL, my dad was telling me how to act with my roommate. He's all "put on your deep voice and say 'listen this is how it's gonna be'" maybe I'm just incredibly polite/true to myself, but I don't think that's all entirely necessary. Chances are that I'm going to be rooming with a decent guy. I really just don't want a druggie, because I will report that shit. If I got into a room and the first thing someone said to me was "listen, here's how it's gonna be" and named off all these demands, I'd be fucking pissed and I wouldn't want to stay. . you know what I don't want? I really don't want to get a roommate that either A. Catogorizes black people in the same category or B. Doesn't know any black people and thinks that I represent the entire race. Because I know it sounds weird, but I've had people say the dumbest crap to me because I was black. :/ One interesting thing was "oh, I've never seen a black emo before" :/ The kid was emo, and I'm so not even close to being emo it's sick. But I guess since I don't wear baggy clothes and talk like a 2 year old, I'm emo. LOL. But whatever. I don't know what to expect really. I hope I get a roomate that likes cookies so I don't feel wierd about liking cookies. I hope the doesn't try to tell me all these nasty stories about how he put his key into a keylock and had a great time, because I really don't wanna hear that...I like cookies. :/.

I've yet to find ANYONE at CSSSA that has the same tastes in music as I do. xD. And that's kinda funny/sad. I'm going to be the only person that's into music that isn't from the USA or isnt' in English. XD. LOL. Everyone loves rock. Psh. Rock's okay, but acid Jazz is the betterz. I'm getting into Jazztronik. They rock. alot. Youtube them NOW.

Now i'm cleaning my room, downloadingmusicaz, typing this journal entry and waiting for the Maury show to come on. Oh, I'll miss the Maury show. It's always funny to watch people's misery. I know it's sick. I get kinda happy because I can't have kids with a cookie. So that's just fun. I don't think most people really get how simular/different a cookie couple really is. Oh well.

God, it's tommoro. It came really just too fast. I'm pretty proud of my painting. I can't wait to see the others. Part of me knows that I'm probably going to try to do something crazy artistic late at night. XD. I'm going to get a new sketchbook for CSSSA. I still need to get it. If I can find my damned wallet. I think my little brother stole it again. I can never find my money when I need it. part of that's me, but the other part is my smelly thief of a brother. I won't miss smelling him. I will be afraid of him raiding my stuff though.

Okay, well that's enough. I'll be updating my journal from cSSSA on here. So watch if you care. :)

Oh. my. Gosh. :(

2007-07-12T13:03:07Z

Duuuuuuudes, we only have 2 days left. 2. :( I'm like not ready. I don't know how the hell to feel right now. This is the craziest thing I've ever done inmy life. I don't know if I'm ready to break away from my parents quite yet. :( I'm scared. i don't know what to do. :(.
Will I be able to be who I really am in an environment that is more artistic? I mean, really. I always have to act and shit where I live. it gets to me sometimes. I hope I'll be able to just be ME and fuck the rest-really.

I'm most terrified of my roommate. I really am. On one hand, it could be a really nice guy. A nice, open minded fun, but quiet kinda guy or it could be a LOUD annoying, shit head. :(. I really dont' want to deal with that. I just dont. :( I hope I room with someone like me. :) Because I'd room with me. :) LOL.

Also I'm kinda paranoid about not being with the people I've talked to online. I get he feeling that we won't be in the same class. xD. and that would suck.

I've spent a good amount of time packing I haven't really drawn in 2 days. Haven't really slept in 6, and haven't really been so sure about CSSSA til about yesterday. xD

amourfoncearte @ 2007-07-10T01:34:00

2007-07-10T06:45:44Z

Photoshop edited colors I finished. Bitchin. MY God. ONly 4 more days. Someone fuck me. :(

CSSSA pantang- rough

2007-07-08T13:24:22Z

Yep. I spent a good amount of time doing this...but not TOO much . lol.

Originally I was going to do a painting of the 4 natural elements in aether (sp?), but I decided that was too much. For each element I had planned a male and female goddess (original ones) that would represent each element as well as a monster of some sort. Wellllll for water, I had a squid-female. I really liked that idea, so when I broke away from that concept I decided to stick with her.

I also added a jellyfish girl (for lack of better name). I choose the jellyfish and the squid for specific reasons.

Squids: I consider squids as mysterious creatures. You always hear about "giant" squids and how people are HUNTING them. I was shocked to read that people actually catch giant squids to PRESERVE them. That's just sick. I get the feeling that squids just really want to be left alone. So I drew her with her back to the viewer and a small glimpse of her face.

Jellyfish: I think jellyfish are the most beautiful things ever. They've very pretty but very dangerous. I think jellyfish are also mysterious, but don't seem afraid of human contact (well, technicly yes, but I'm sure not as many people would get stung if they fled). I kinda think that their colors are very playful even if they just...float there. xD. So yeah.

Squids exude ink (probolly not, I think that's an octopus. lol) and jellyfish exude electricity (Yeah, I know they don't, but it's cool to think a sting is electric-no?) ink is kinda dark and electricity is kinda light. I plan on making the characters contrast eachother in color scheme and overall tones. The jellyfish will be cooler colors and the squid will be warmer colors.

I'm not really sure.

kay so I finally stopped being lazy

2007-07-07T11:03:00Z

I stopped being lazy and decided to uplaod some of the anatomy studies I did today. yay.

here ju go.

So yeah. I went a shopan spree todayz. So I didn't get enough time to do all I wanted to do, but whatever. :(

So yeah. I've decided the premis for my CSSSA painting will be the 5 elements. :)
And they're going to be based off of mythology from my home land, Siralis.
hehe. *giggle snort*

Slowly Slowly Calming down

2007-07-05T17:57:25Z

Okay, so. My dad told me something the other day. We were going to the beach and I was like "I don't want to go, I have to stay home and study anatomy" Very seriously. And my dad said "it's not like you're going for a job". And that's so true. :( I'm just worried about not getting the most out of the program. My anatomy sucks. lots. :( So like, I don't want to get crappy. I don't have flash and my tablet's broken. I've tried doing animation traditionally (and I do), but uploading it to the computer and putting it on a CD or anything is a bitch. :(. So I get discouraged and I just stop it. So annoying. :( Sometimes I don't know what the do. I like I'm greatly at a disadvantage because there's no way for me to EASILY learn how to animate and then actually see the animation in it's completed form without skipping frames and stuff. Flash is 500 dollars. :( and I don't have that.

So I've been doing nothing but anatomy studies lately. here's one, but I've done about 300 more.

I've been doing alot of drawing from Posemaniacs (which is a hot site).

Actually, I've started to find that those "how the draw manga" books are actually quite helpful even if you're not drawing manga. XD I have several of them. When I first got them, I didn't get them and I just kinda tossed them out into my book shelf. Now that I've studied anatomy for a few years and all that jazz, I'm really starting to understand alot of the stuff there. :)

I've also been doing some studying of costumes in general. I really like cultured costumes, in particular ones from Indian groups and Medieval societies. I Just love costumes. I want to be able to create interesting, but simple characters for CSSSA.

Been watching a ton of animated movies as I do my studies. I watched Tripplets of Belliview. Which to be honest wasn't THAT great. The storyline was very... "meh" to me. I don't get hwo it was such a huge phenomenon. the animation and the very French style was very inspirational though. :)

I watched Vampire Hunter D, both of them. Awesome movies. I really really loved the newer version. Seriously. It was awesome. :) I have a really bad obsession with vampires and vampire culture. It's because of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Buffy's hot relationships with vampires. Spike can bite me anytime. :)

I watched My neighbor Tototro the other day. It's SO cute. :) Ayeeeeee. So cute. I love Miyasaki films. I woudl love to make films like his....ya know I kinda hate when people say that. XD. Because when they say that they're usually talking about the style and all that jazz, and not the mood/storytelling elements...which Ilike.

You know, I've been really worried about what kind of animator I'll end up being. I mean, i know that my jobs will be dependent on the studio that I end up working for, but like.... ugh. Like....I think that my view on animation is different from alot of people. ;(. Whenever I see animations from kids my age, they're all very happy, lighthearted and serious. But like. I don't like being funny or necessarily lighthearted. I don't like being excessively dark either. I'm very much into serious plot lines, real human interactions and some element of mythology. I don't see that alot. :(. LIke..ever. I've wondered if that'll stop me from getting into Cal Arts, which I want to do so desperately. :( depressing.

I'm supposed to go shopping today for CSSSA stuff. :)
See ya'll later. :)

I am so fucking frustrated right now, I could burst

2007-07-03T20:40:33Z

God. I am so so so mad right now. :(
CSSSA starts in 15 days and I am not fuckin' ready. :(. I mean, fuck I really want to do something there that would get me into Cal Arts. I want it more than anything in the world. I would slice off my dick if it meant that I'd be able to get into Cal Arts. I mean...God, I want it so bad. :( But I'm not ready and it's driving me insane. My art isn't good enough for what I want to do with my life. it's all boring. It's so hard for me to draw the easiest crap. All I do (and I don't kid about this) is draw, surf Gaia and watch porn. And most of my time is spent doing the last two. I don't get it. For something I want so much it's so frustrating for me to get. I believe I'm developing arthritus. When I draw my hands start to hurt like shit. When I want to draw and focus, I decide my music isn't good enough so I spend about an hour getting my ipod set with music I can listen to, and THEN when I get that done, I get thirst, so I have to get up and get some water. Then after that, I get too hot (I have the hottest room in the house) so I turn on the fan. Then the fan bothers me, and I have to turn it off. When I FINALLY get to drawing, my dad knocks on the door and lists chores that I have to do. Then that takes about 2 hours away from my life. Then I finally sit down again and I draw for about 30 minutes and I'm done.

I DON'T GET IT.

:(

Not only that, but I haven't taken figure drawing classes and that's mega important. And people always say "Oh you don't need figure drawing classes" YES YOU FUCKING DO. Where else will you get to have model that's posing just so that you could draw them? Not only that but the only one I've taken is a clothed class. I made the hugest fucking mistake taking that class. My parents are paranoid about me seeing naked people. I'VE BEEN DRAWING NUDES SINCE I WAS 9. Fuck. :/

I don't get it. ugh. And aside from that, I get my ex trying to talk to me again and leading me on and crap. It's so frustrating. It will really piss me the fuck off if most of the people at CSSSA are like 10 years of experience ahead of me because I've done nothing BUT draw and act for my entire life. Fuck. I don't do ANYTHING. I don't leave the house. I really don't. I'm always here. always, drawing. Ugh, but my drawings suck.

I want to shoot someone. I really do.
:(

so annoying. I start an anatomy study and I get sick and stop. :(.
I've started my story boarding project about 4 times. UGH. :(. and I'm still not understanding what the fuck to do. :(

God. :(

I just kinda wanna pass out.

Hey bitches

2007-06-27T07:24:32Z

Well decided to start a new one. Well here's some info about me.

Well, I'm a 16 year old aspiring animator that lives in Walnut California. My real name's Matt, but a select few call me Kit. :) ( I'd tell you why, but you'd be extreamly freaked out. ) I've been seriously drawing since I was about 7 when I went to an Animation Convention (well not really) that featured Cal Arts Students. I learned how wonderful Cal Arts is from that expo, and now I'm spending most of my time trying to get into that school.

Just recently, I made it into a Summer program called Innnerspark. Innerspark is a program for Californian High school studentst hat want to further them selves in art. I was really jazzed when I got in. I have exactly 18 days until the program starts. Now I'm trying to get stuff together to be prepared for it.

While I'm excited for CSSSA (innerspark), I'm also a little afraid. See, I live in Suburbia. I'm not rich, but I guess you'd get that impression from me. LOL. I don't work, I don't drive and all I do is basicly draw. I haven't QUITE taken responsibility for myself, but I'm gettin' there. >3<>