Sunday/Monday Morning

At about 12:55, I pulled out the Swiss Milk from my brand new refrigerator and poured myself a small glass of milk and shoved some friut snacks down my throat. But why? To wash out the taste of boy still lingering in my throat. I just got back from a very very long date with a guy named Eric. Eric is a cutie pie. He has this sexy asymetrical hair that he always keeps his bangs a blondish color. I met Eric online on a website called Gay Gamer. On Gay Gamer, I posted a thread asking if anyone wanted to date me. And Eric answered! Now, Eric is 21 and I'll be 18 next week but the age difference doesnt really bug me. He's so fucking charming! But before I get there, let me give a little summary of my day.


So when I got home last night from the party, I decided to take advantage of the fact that my roomate wasn't going to be home for the weekend and I stayed up all night trying to organize stuff/clean up. I didn't really go to bed at all. At about...10amish I took a little cat nap, but after that I had to get up and go meet my parents for Brunch. When I dressed myself earlier today, I realized that I looked like the Joker so I took off my purple pants and put some jeans on. I met with my parents. You know....same shit. Loving mother, questioning dad, annoying as hell brother. I really miss them, but it's almost like in a week alone, i've changed so much!! Like, I want to see them but I also want to be alone and left ot my own devices. I love my parents dearly but I need to figure some stuff out for myself. My mom was really proud that i've been so price concious since I've been here. That made me smile. She was shocked that I shopped at a thriftstore the other day and it made me happy that I could prove to her that the things she's taught me have actually given me a good stance in that area of my life.  After we ate, we went to walmart to get the fridge. After we got the fridge, I decided to go back  to the dorm and organize the fridge and microwave combo. I figured out a good way to do it. I just hope it stays.


So when I got home, I started right back where I left off. I had recently received my phone that I had previously left at my house. So I plug it in to charge it and I realize that I have a few texts. I find out that one of the numbers is Violet and I add Violet. Soon Violet tells me that everyone's sketching. Not wanting to be antisocial, I decided to just separate the big stuff and put it off to the side so it's still not messy. When I leave the dorm and go up the stairs, I instantly see a bunch of animation kids and alums and again, not wanting to be antisocial, I talk. I think it's GREAT to hear from the alumni. It's important that I pay attention to them. While having those conversations, Eric sends me a message. He asks me if we're still on for today. Now...understand that...the way he sounded about the whole situation  online was like...”oh we're gonna hangout and it's gonna be whatever”. Lol. And I was still on for that and everything! Then he asks me if I wanna go get some dinner with him. To which I instantly recognize as a date. And so I get super excited! Violet and I decide to go clean our clothes and hold figure drawing sessions while we wait. So that went great. Eventully, I had to go for the date though.


He was waiting for me in the main hall of the lobby. When I walk out and see him he says “hey sexy” and we hug. I was already mega turned on. Lol. So we go out to his car and start talking about where were going and getting very political while doing so. We had discussions over the bible and why it's valid or invalid. It was a lovely discussion! We turned out to have a lot more in common than anything else! We find a thai place and we chow down on some great food. When we're doing with our food,I take out my wallet to pay for my part and he stops me and tells me that he'll pay for it. So that was just SUPER sweet. I've never had a guy pay for my dinner. I was really like...swooning. Its not even's the fact that he did something that sweet for little ole me.


We get back to the campus and we decide to go to the screening of Big Lebowsky. Now, I really did want to see this movie, but he had me sorta distracted. Everytime we'd both laugh at something, we'd get closer and closer. He'd slowly put his arm around me and I started leaning in to him. It was the best ever. : D I'VE NEVER FELT SO LOVED/LIKED/DESIRED! Lol. We start cuddling and cuddling and I'm petting his furry skin and havin' a good ole time. He eventually asks me if I wanna go somewhere else to be more private. I giggled a little and said that I wanted to take it slower and such. Ya know? I tend to rush into relationships with some-what sexual motives, but I really don't want to be that way anymore. So we cuddled during the whole movie. He wraped me in his arms and I leaned on his chest. It's been a while since I've actually cuddled so it felt really great. He kept wanting to kiss me, which was super cute. After the movie, we went outside and found a dark bench and pretty much made out for a good 30 minutes lol. There was some guy in the shadows that was like...watching us so we got away from that area and found another area to go in the darkness to make out and snuggle and such. I was so cold! For whatever reason, I was cold and he was totally warm. So if I wanted to get warm, I sorta had to cuddle him. I would snuggle on his chest and he'd bear hug me. I love bear hugs and he gives the best ones.When I had to head back to my dorm, he gave me a couple of bear hugs and we made out a little. Lol. I guess my roomate definatley knows I'm gay now!! lol. I really want to see him again. We are surprisingly compatible. And neiter of us expected that. I really hope this works out for the best. I have a really good feeling about him. :)


So last night I fell asleep mid-scentence and kept typing like “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” because I'd fall asleep pressing one letter. Lol. But's about 9:18 right now and my first class is at 1. Today is the first day that we actually get classes. Oh dear. I'm sorta afraid, but not really....but I really am. :( But i'm not!! OH GOD, CAL ARTS IS STARTING!!

Saturday night/sunday morning:

So I'm sitting here completely nude in my dormitory. My roomate is gone to LA for the weekend. My roomate is sorta blah. He's a cool kid, but we've really got little to nothing in common. I can't tell if he's gay or not and at this point I don't really care. He's nice and he has a good heart, but we just don't really connect. I guess I'm cool with that though. I mean, at least I can live with him. From the photos I see of his work on the wall 'hes a pretty well...I can tell he's a good photographer, but it's nothing that I haven't seen before. In fact, his photos remind me of Taylor Lovio a photographer at my school, who I believe is going to become quite famous one day. But I guess when I look at them, they're more of things he has up to remind him of his home rather than his actual portfolio work. And you know what?  The photography program only has 15 kids in it and honestly, 15 is a really small number when compared to the 38 kids that are in correction, 48 kids that are in animation.  So I've gotta respect that. I'm sure that he's a wonderful and mind-blowing photographer.


Last night, I started looking at my face really hard. As some of you may know, my self esteem is so-so. I've really sorta trashed myself with horrible, secretive relationships that I wasnt' even able to share with my friends. I guess that I'm just really super insecure with my face. I don't know why though. I mean, I love it, but I hate it. It's like something that Sophia Lemar always says on the Gay Pimpin' show, “Every queen should do this. Look into the mirror and every single day say to yourself 'I'm busted'”, you know? I have heights of thinking I look great to thinking I look like shit. But whenever I sorta bitch about it, people always tell me that I look fine. And I always wonder if these people are lieing to me and holding the truth back or if they're being truthful. I get it so much that I'm sorta coming to the conclusion that maybe I worry too much. I dont' truly know why I worry so much about the way that I look. I think it may have somehing to do with the fact that I spend a lot of time on the net getting rejected by intranet men. I dunno. I'm not totally sure. I mean.. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that since I was young, my parents have constantly been worrysome of how I dress and how I look in public and so on and so forth. Perhaps it's that for a good chunk of my schooling, I had to wear uniforms and even then, I was made fun of for what I wear. I don't quite know. It's so weird to me. Its like I can leave the house thinking that i'm super cute and yaddah yaddah yaddah but then once I get out and I see a cute guy somewhere I'll start thinking to myself that i'm not as hot as I am and that guy isn't interested in me (and fuck, most of the time they're fucking straight.) and I start feeling super ugly and shit. Then I look into the mirror and realize that I am ugly. I mean....I don't know... I really don't. I've just been severly struggling with my appearance and being at cal arts, the first week you hear things like LET YOURSELF GO and EXPRESS YOURSELF WITHOUT LIMITATIONS. I mean, do you know how liberating it is that I'm being showed movies and plays that have some just blatantly sexual and crude humor in them and content and i'm NOT being warned or there is no need to even have a fucking warning? I mean, it's just awesome that I'm in a situation where I'm just expected to let myself go and be true to myself. Yet I'm still so horribly insecure. I think that just now I'm going to make it my goal to be completely free and void of feeling as if I have to be insecure or even really thinking about meeting guys and such. The whole next week, i'm going to avoid the hot iron or anything super superficial. I think that I'm going to really benefiet from that because I won't hae to worry about constantly thinking someone is watching me or what I'm wearing isn't the best or this or that or the other.


Being here has made me realize how truly shelterd i've been. I haven't really had a chance to ever experience anything that isn't Walnut. Anything that isn't a mostly asian, suburb with super wonerful happy go lucky morals is just so foreign to me. And it's not necessarily like I feel that  Walnut is horrible, but it's just that being here has made me realize that there really isn't a lot of actual  real world experience that I've had to endure. I'm still very naieve and because of that I'm SUPER shy. Ive simply gotta get over that.


So anywhooo! About 45 minutes ago or so (around 2:50) I got into my dormitory back from another party! I felt a lot more comfortable at this party. There was still tons of drinking and even lots of Marjuana but I felt oddly comfortable. There were people there that were like me in ways and I simply just tried to relate to them. I dance a little with some of my girlfriends and we all have a good time. I mean, I've sorta realized that you have fun when you're confident and not necessarily when you drink. It seems like there are people that do'nt drink or even do drugs that do really good without doing any of that. And that's great! I really need to just start getting comfortable. I've realized that my intimidation is completely and total rational. I'm surrounded by people that simply very foreign to me and the fact that they're foreign to me is why i'm so intimidated. At the same time though, I'm realizing that there are tons of people that are actually really cool, regardless of wheter or not they do drugs or drink or whatever. The parties were FOR us to get more familiarized with the animation kids of past years and I really am. I mean...through drunkness, I'm learning which sorts of people are the sorts that I shold avoi. I've already learned to avoid someone completely when it comes to advice and such, but it'd be kinda shitty to mention who that was....but I mean, the upperclassmen and just my observation have really taught me something about them. It was weird how about 3 people ran into me and recognized me from animated buzz (an animation website for Cal Arts). It was sorta crazy. I just fell asleep!! 


Well it's about 4:10 and I'm dead tired....but I'm gonna keep typing. Lol.


Um anywho, today around 11ish, we went to Santa Monica. We got to go to this cheap ass amusement park! It was super cool/fun. Unfortunatley, one of my friends left their wallet and everythign there and couldn't get it back but other than that, great day. I had some great Thai food and we went to a thriftstore and I got a thing for my bed and 3 long sleeved shirts. It was epic!  The party was after the santa monica trip! I'm so glad that I didn't actually go with cal arts! That's the super summarized version, since I'm tired and I ave to clean. My room is super messy and such!! lol.   My parents are visiting me tommorow so I need ot make it seem like I'm being clean. !

Well at 4:22 I'm gonna go to sleep! Gotta be up around 11.

Early Morning Friday

Early Morning Friday:

I had to get up late for registration this morning. That wasn't very fun at all, but um...I got it done. I'm all clear! I got the Lady Murderesses class and I was cleared. I CAN FINALLY START LIKING CAL ARTS!


So today, I went to Target with Josh, Violet and Sabrina. It was super fun. I FINALLY got some proper hair wrap stuff. NO MORE SARAN WRAP. I was super happy about the whole ideal! Now I don't have to be SO strange around my roomate with my crazy ghetto saran wrap. Lol. And I'm really hoping the results are hot lol. We also went to Walmart and I got a microwave! Now I can like..warm stuff up!!!  yei!! Soon my room will feel like an actual dormatory and not some crazy bedroom. Lol.


As we were leaving the walmart something happened. I was struggling to figure out how we were going to get into the car with my stuff and these two girls (bitches) in these plain black dresses get out of the car, look at us and say “Ouch, Bad fashion!!” and like...One thing you MUST know about me is that unfortunatley I've always struggled with some sort of insecurity. I'm very paranoid about people's opinions of me even though I don't quite care for what they actually are. When she said that, it pierced my security. She essentially stabbed my already half broken heart (we'll talk about that later).  I don't know... I mean, I know I look different but...ugh. I don't know. I think I have a good taste, and if I do'nt...then honestly, the world has shitty taste. If plain black dresses constitute good looks and being creative and wonderous, I don't think I want to be all that fashionable.  Because that's just lame and thoughtless. People outside of Cal Arts are so much like walnut. Rich people with too much time on their hands.  Mean, the BITCH WAS WALKING INTO FUCKING WALMART. :/ Don't get me strated. I remember being stared out so hard when I was at CSSSA. I mean, even at the fucking walmart, people were just so strange. I really annoyed me. I do'nt even really know what to do about it. The culture is just so different outside of the walls of Cal Arts. Ugh. I hope it gets better. We've bee there for about...70 years or so....I think it's time to change!!


We got back to the campus, we were sweaty of course. We couldn't find the books we needed to order for classes online so we really sorta super frustrated and left. So we returned back home completely bookless. We all decided to order them. When we got back to the dorms, we all went into Violet's room. She had recently switched roomates because her previous roomate had some sleeping problem which made her snore super bad. Her room was overlooking the pool. Now...if you've heard about the pool at cal arts, you'll know that it's clothing optional. In fact, apparently it was named on the nude beaches of America's list. I just look out her window to just take a gander at the pool and I see a nude man. Entirely nude. Now...I'm not stranger to the nude male body...I've seen a lot of them quite...close up (but we WON'T talk about that) but for whatever reason I was stunnned. He WAS  a hot guy so I didn't really mind, but um... yeah. It was still just a little strange to see a nude man casually sitting out in the sun completely nude. Of course, being the person I am, I start talking about how there's a nude guy and how I really shouldn't be looking. And as i'm doing that, I realize that the window is WIDE OPEN and he turns around to look up at us. Lol. I just dash away as fast as I can. I was...well frightened but excited I guess.


I go back to my room, change out of my sweaty clothes and go for some lunch. For lunch, I had a bunch of fruit and some pasta. I've been eating SO good these past few days. :)  I can tell I'm losin weight. I hope I can become annorexia skinny. I hear that's in. While at lunch, we get told about some party. And after much debate over the party vs. producer shows at the Bijou, we pick the party.


Now, going to this party was a mental stuggle for me. I was completely afraid of um... drugs and alcohol. I seriously was. I mean, I'm pretty straight edged and everything but um....I dunno.  When I was at the party, I kept think about what my friends back at home would say. You know...”omg, let's not do this, we don't need to drink to have fun” and all those sorta things. One of my friends (You know who you are) would simply straight up leave. The entire night was sorta akward and strange for me. I felt like I should drink (since I'm under the impression that it's not as bad as the media makes it look and after tonight, I realized that it really wasnt) but I didn't do it at all. Kris, an upperclassmen seemed to be playfully trying to get me to drink, but i'm really not all that...I dunno. I'm just filled with propaganda. I really am. And its hard to get over. You know? I assume  that I will drink eventually, but I just really didn't want ot drink right away. I want to get comfortable with it before I try it. I mean. It's not something that always leads to addiction. I mean, yeah it happens, but it's not like smoking where you constantly crave it. There were a few cute guys there. A lot actually. I'm sure Violet woudlln't agree, but whtever. I have a strange taste in men. I got to see my current crush shirtless so um...I'm pretty happy with that. LOL. I'm so failish. I know that it's cal arts, but i'm still attracted to straight boys. LOL. It's so horrible. I need to find  a cute gay guy to hit on and shit. I'm hoping that'll happen in QAC! We'll see. There's another party on saturday apparently and I may or may not decide to drink that night. Apparently, this is the last time that we will get a chance to actually party and have fun so...I do want to make the best of it. : )


The party ended about an hour ago. It's 1:34 and my roomate still isn't in, he was at the party too. Lol. He's probably having some sort of crazy fun with whoever and what such. Lol. So um, whatever. I do'nt know. I just felt like such a square, I've gotta get more comfortable. : )


The morning of September 4th.

The morning of September 4th.


It's around 6:22 in the morning and I just got done wraping off the saran wrap cuncoction of deep conditioner from my head. My hair has been taking abuse for the past few days. I haven't truly overused my hot comb but after the first day, I tried to start making it straighter and straighter. I take it back, even the first day, I tried to make it straigher and straighter. I guess I'm just paranoid about looking crazy. Even though it's art school, I almost get the vibe that art students care about fashion. And I do care, but not as much as people would probably think I do. Most of the people in animation, both guys and girls seem to be very fashionable. Which is interesting to me. Artists at Cal Arts all seem to have unique yet extremely similar looks. The guys all look a like for the most part, really. I mean, there are some people that stand out, like the cute gay boy that wears sleeveless t-shirts and scarfs and the other gay boy that wears form fitting skirts over jeans. It's entertaining really. It's a little depressing that there isn't too much uniqueness at the school as far as personal dress goes. I mean, I'm not saying that I'm some great person that has these great ideas for clothes and such, but I dunno....I paint on almost everything I wear. Most of my t-shirts are t-shirts I've painted on, my necklaces are all hand made from clay and my messenger bag is a piece that I've spent minimal, but good time on doing. I thought there'd be more do-it yourselfy people here, but whatever. They're all good to look at. I'm attracted to most of the guys here. Lol. Though like most guys that are artistic, I think they're gay. Lol. But whatever. I'll get over that.


Yesterday turned out to be a depressing but very interesting day. I got up early to go to the critical studies meeting. Oh god critical studies. There's only about 8 classes and I want to take most of them except two. I really don't want to take Black Poetry or Holy Hip Hop. I don't want to take Black Poetry because I's NOT that I dont think our history is important and that its something to be overlooked or denoted, but I feel like if I'm going to learn about poetry, I want to learn about poetry from all countries from all walks of life. We get enough black history in America and honestly, we need to start looking foreward and not backward. I'm a person that considers myself a person of the world. I believe that I'm just a person that exists on this eart for what reason I exist is anyone's guess. My skin my be black but it's not my identity. I'm a product of my surroundings. The way I speak, the way I walk, the way I approach people, it's all part of the way I've grown up. So I don't truly feel the need to take a class about Black Poetry (even though the TA is hot!). I don't want to take Holy Hip Hop because it's two of the things I don't really like in one class. I dont really like most hip hop and I'm slightly religious but religion really frustrates and annoys me most of the time. I'm really hoping that these classes will be filled SOON. I'm good with all the classes but those. As it turns out, I have to go into late registration. Isn't that a bitch? Oh and guess what, late registration is at the same time that class sign ups are. So right now, it's 6:37 and at 9:00 I have to be there EARLY as hell waiting to get a chance at late registration. Because when I'm registering, all the other new students are going to be getting their classes. Holy Hip Hop and Black Poetry better be filled. Though honestly, things like this either work out effortlessly or they end up dramatically failing. I know that God is on my side though. And I know that he will make it so that everything will work out the way it needs to be. I just hope my hair can dry and I can style it fast enough to get there before everyone else. Hahah.


Yesterday we met all of our Animation Teachers. I'm very stoked about starting classes. All my teachers seem to be very interesting. My mentor is Leo Hobaica, who also held most of the New Student events at Cal Arts. He's also my Color and Design teacher. He seems like a real character!! So im very much excited to start that. All the cool classes don't seem to be offered to the freshmen. Like Corny Cole's class for instance. It's not available to us. Lol. Which is sorta bummer because I love Corny even though I don't know how to act around him. Lol. There's also an Acting for Animators class that's new this year, but not for BFA1s. The teacher, who's name escapes me, was the live action reference for John Smith from Pocahontas. It's so awesome. In our meeting yesterday, the instructors were talking about how we're going to see the same people for the rest of our lives as long as we stay in animation. And it's so true. Hahahah. I mean, Im not in the industry yet, but the amount of CSSSA kids there is frighteningly interesting. We're all going to be together for as long as we try to be animators. I still dont' feel like I'm quite as good as they are, but I feel like in time, I'll get better at what I'm doing and eventually, I'll be able to just get better. I dont want to focus on competition. I just want to better myself.


Yesterday, I went to the 7pm club meeting at Tatum Lounge. The BSU, Latino and Queer clubs all met up yesterday. That was all totally cool! I signed my name up to QAC (Queer Artist Collective) as soon as I could!!! I was very excited to meet the other people that joined the club (cuz they're gay guys and I want a date-lol) but only about 3 of them actually talked to the leaders about what's going on. But I could tell there were others that signed up because I could tell a lot of the gays on the couch were kinda sorta listening in. The members that went to the meeting were both very cute sorta tall blondish brownish guys. If my memory is correct, one was in film. I don't remember the other. Hahah. They seemed very nice! So I'm gonna try to stick with them and not the-what seems to be bitchy- gay guys that decided not to be part of the discussion. Lol. Somehow I think that it's going to be a pretty good year. I'm really exicted to start being an activist for gay rights and pointing out the fact that we do exist and we do need our rights. QAC apparently puts on a bunch of different art events, has gallery shows and goes on trips and such. I'm just very very very very exicting to start getting into something gayish that isn't only on wednesdays! Thank God for art school, seriously. Tons of more gay guys. Not as many adorable lesbros, but I'm totally fine with gay men!!! lol. I asked one of what seemed to be “leaders” in QAC (there are no official leaders) if the club gets bigger (since a 3 person club is sorta fail) and she did tell me yes! So I'm very excited for that! Can't wait.


After the Club meeting, I went to the Bijou theater to watch a movie called Fur that stared Danny ...I forget the last name and Nicole Kidman. It was a fantasy story about the life of Diane Arbus. I would explain the movie to you, but I sorta fail at that. Essentially, the story is about Diane picking up her camera and becoming the artist she's always meant to be. She gets encouranged by a mysterious, but very alluring man that's entire body is covered in hair. Over the span of a few months, the man introduces her to a world of circus “freaks” and alternative scenes. The movie is absolutley beautiful. Everything looks like a painting. PLEASE WATCH THIS MOVIE. It's so good.


My hair is finally starting to get dry. It feels so soft! Hahaha. Now I have to style it up in a pomp! Lol. I plan out what I'm wearing a day in advance because I'm cool like that! I've noticed that since I've been here, I've started to have certain rituals like making up my bed and showering every night that  I don't do at home. Lol. I guess that's good! I already feel like I'm losing weight. Which is great since I wanna do that! The only thing about that is that they have a Cuppochino machine here and it's so hard for me to just pass that at lunch and not get anything from it!! lol. I only have a 10 meals a week meal plan! Which I guess is pretty good, but is also not that awesome because I have to find food some days. I dont have a fridge so...yeah. :( My parents are visiting me on saturday for my birthday (which is next sunday BTW) so hopefully they'll be brining one for me!! The people right next to me have yet to connect their wireless so I can't get online right now. Lol. But um...I'm gonna post this as soon as I can and I'm not doing anything!!


I can't believe that today's already thursday. It seems like time's already starting to go fast around here .I don't want it to though . I want it to last forever. I cannot wait to start working on my fim and start figuring out what my artitic voice is. I'm still having internal conflict with doing what I want to do as far as subject matter in my film. On one hand, I want to make a film about sexuality (mind you, it's 90 seconds!!!). I'm not sure, what short thing I could do and the message I want to get out there, but my homosexuality and all the drama that comes with that is just something that's super important to me right now. That's what I want to make a film about. I don't wanna make something cute. Lol. I dunno. All I've heard here in the past few days is “go for it” or “push the limit”, but still there's struggle within me. I don't know if maybe it's internal homophobia or what.


Well it's about 7:07 right now and I've gotta go do my hair, make a BM and get dressed!! Mayb not in that order, but whatever.

OH. lol. I had a dream last night. Something about everyone dressing in punk clothes for some event. I dunno! Lol. It was pretty random but definatley at Cal Arts.


Love you all!


September 3rd-Morning

So I just woke up in my water inspired bed linens. I'm actually really getting used to this whole thing. I sleep by the window so it's like an automatic alarm clock. I don't need to worry about that so I'm very happy about that. I spent last night straightening my hair  and watching Blood the Last Vampire after the tons of activities we had to do.

Yesterday, we did nothing but a bunch of orientational activities. I got to meet Leo Hobaica, who is my Color and Design teacher. He seems to have a really interesting and entertaining personality. I'm really looking foreward to his class. Looking forward to meeting all my teachers in fact. I'm just not remembering this but I JUST had a dream about Corny Cole. It was and my friend Bonnie were at some movie theater and Corny was handing out tickets to the movies (which was strange) outside of the theaters and then I was like "That's my figure drawing teacher, Corny" and Bonnie went "oh" as she usually does. That was a wierd dream. hahaha. When I got home from the screening of Secretary, a love story about a woman who decides that submiting herself in several differnt ways to her boss in her comfort, I looked at my schedule for today on my itouch (since i sorta like..emailed it to me since Cal Arts fails at handing out paper work) and i found out that at 7 there's a meeting for Quack. Quack is the.... Queer Arts Collective if I remember correctly and I REALLY want to join that. Mostly to meet guys though. lol. I reeeeeeallly want to meet guys and flirt and shat. lol. I think that'll make me pretty happy .The only downside to the whole thing is that the Latino and the Black Student Uninos are also meeting there. I'm VERY split about joining BSU since Ive never really felt the need to surround myself with people that look just like me (since that's boring as hell) so I dunno. I probably won't join.

Well I't sbaout 7:37 right now. We've gotta be at this orientation for Critical studies today. YAY .

BTW, there are a LOT of cute guys at Cal Arts (and a few extrememly handsome and very charming ones in the animation program). My friend Violet disagrees. lol.

Second day at cal arts.

So today is my second day at cal arts. First of all let me say that the past few days I haven't slept because I've been packing like a mad man. lol. I've been super paranoid about packing like EVERYTHING. I have an entire bag filled with just hair supplies. Which is sorta lame. lol. My draws are filled to the brim. lol.

Leaving my parents was kinda hard. I mean, I've been alone before but now I'm a alone and I have a credit card and i have to deal with money and such. So that's totally not that comforting. I'm like...I dunno. I already have to deal with financial aid drama. I have to go in and pay for my left over tuition and such. I sorta wish that my parents were on top of that more. My dad left the whole registration process to my mother. My mom has MS and gets stressed out very easily. And you know what? The financial aid office is totally bitchy. God. So like, her stress levels go up really fast. We didn't pay/validate/assure/confirm our loans before the 28th of august so now I'm having to pay 200 dollars for late registration. And it doesn't help that i don't understand moeny. I'm not gonna bitch about how financial aid has been so bitchy to me but um...yeah :/

So my roomate is pretty cool. I asked for a gay roomate and he may or may not be gay. lol. I dunno, i'm sorta hoping he's gay. Not that I want to get with him (not really my type) but just so if I have any boy problems I can bitch to him and have him not feel strange. lol. He could be gay though. I don't really know and I feel strange asking. lol. I'm sure I'll find out. Im really hoping I can find gay guys on the campus, so far doesn't seem like theres many. Or at least in the freshman class. Yesterday the freshmen checked in. I'm assuming that today people check in that aren't freshmen. lol. So I"m crossing my fingers .

I'm 17. And like, that's probably not too uncommon this year, but like...I don't know. Older kids are so my different. lol. I mean, some of the freshmen are 24 or 25. And that's significantly older than me. We're sorta in different places. I mean, some of the animators seem really cool and really fun and really I dont You know? LIke, yesterday some guy was running around doing pelvic thrusts in the air while wearing shorty shorts. lol. I mean, I'd never be able to do that. lol. Yesterday while having a conversation with other animators, I felt so out of place. They have like...these abstract conversations about things that don't exist. and I'm just kinda like "oh, well that's nice. : D" lol. I'm just really um...I don't know. I'm sorta reserved. I mean, I'm not too crazy and I'm not really like...I don't know. I'm creative but not creative enough to have abstract conversations. lol. I'm really really really really hoping that I'm able to open up a lot more. I think that if I can open up, then maybe I can get more friends and such. I mean, i don't get it, I'm not really shy at all but um....I dunno I'm not extroverted enough to that loud and boisterous and just...I dunno as fun as they are.

Oh shit, it's 9:45. I gotta go!!


So I haven't actually posted anything here in a while!!! I probably should since all the animation kids seem to be doing it. 
So lately, I've been working on character designs for the comic that I've been wanting to make for a while ( a while being about 4 years).  I really like the results. :)

Anywho. So these are done for now, more to come.

I'm super excited for Cal Arts. I really can't wait. I still cannot believe I made it into such a wonderful school. I'm still worried about paying for school though. It scares me a LOT. :( I think that I'm going to just apply for a bunch of little scholarships.

Anywho, not sure if I've stressed about this before on my blog, but I'm MEGA scared for Cal Arts and my personal style. The way I draw is a lot more realistic than I've seen a lot of Cal arts students draw for their animations. This is the style that I want to animate in. You know? i don't really wanna change it to look like other cal arts students (I do admire them though!!). To me,  a lot of Cal Arts students draw the same. I could look at one person's film and not even know that  different person did it. I mean, i don't know if I've just not seen enough films or blogs or whatever, but I can't help but feel that way. It's not like I feel like my style is superior (because it's not and all and all, those people probably have  better foundation than I do), but it scares me sometimes how similarly some people draw.  It makes me worry whether or not I'm going to end up drawing that way...not that I'd mind, but it's sorta like...I want to animate like this. I know i'm gonna have to exxagurate a lot more, but in all, i don't wanna animate like the powerpuff girls or Dexter's lab or any other seeminly generic cartoon network show. I dunno. sometimes I wonder if i'm gonna be an animator. I want to be one soooooooooo badly, but I guess my art looks more like a concpet artist than an animator. I mean, when i look at animator's work, I can tell it's animator's work. when I look at mine, I think it's an illustrator's work.

I just hope my style dilema works out. I know it willl. Can't wait to try.
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I hate it when...

People give me gifts I don't want and there's this silent "oh what did you get ME' that is never spoken, but obviously stated in the mood. and you're FORCED to buy something.

My first date

Lol, so I haven't been on here for a while... I recently went on my first date... yay.

Okay, so this is how it all went down.

The entire day I've been waiting and waiting to get a text message. Last week, me and Wyatt decided we wanted to meet. If you don't know who Wyatt is, it's the guy i'm "talking" to-I met him online-on gaia. Anywho, I trusted him-seeing as it's gaia and I gave him my number and all that good jazz. The text messagte I'd been waiting for was a text message giving me the OKAY to go to the mall and meet up with him. See, neither of us can drive. He's 18-sophmore in college and can't drive. That doesn't really bother me TOO much TBH, because I know most kids are that way. Anywho, I got the okay to go and I was SET. I washed some clothes (wore my angry ice cream shirt which he LOVED and my fitted jeans), took a bath and waited til 3 and then I left. :)

So since my parents don't kno wabout the whole "I like to sleep with men" thing, I told them  was going out with friends. I actually WAS going to do that, but neither of my best friends could go (which didn't turn out to be such a bad thing). So my mom drops me off at the mall, and I walk into the mall waiting for Mr. Wyatt to arrive. I was so nervous. I mean, I don't know what to think. He IS from the internet and on top of that his MOTHER was comming and I'd have to introduce myself to him.

So at first, I just sat on the new couches in the mall. The mall had undergone a LOT of rennovations. There was so many new things there and the mall wasn't as ghetto as it usually is. So I decide to just get up and look around. I checked the movie times. It seemed like Jumper was available so I just kinda decided in my head that, that would be what we'd see. So as I'm looking around, I spot a familiar face. I saw a peevish asian teenage male with a bouquet of flowers. I recognized him as one of the more akward male friends of a seperate group of girls that I hang out with. He said "hi matt" and I tried to quickly say hi and ignore him. He then babbled on to me something about giving a girl some flowers. I figured that I have some time to humour him and I decied to actually listen to what he says. He asked me to go with him to see the girl and to help him give the flowers to her. Since this was so effing adorable, I just agreed and went along with him.

So we go up the escalator to the Food Court. He asks me to look for the girl. I couldn't find her, but  DID see one of my friends, Megan. I waved hi to Megan and i ran over to say hi to her. As I'm running over, I spot Jessica-another friend of mine. I say hi and we all blabber on like a bunch of teenage girls. I see Megan's boyfriend and I shake his hand (nice guy, they look SO good together.). We blabbered on and on til Jessica decides to ask me why I was there. I said "oh, i'm meeting someone". I mean, I wasn't lieing to them, I told them to complete truth. Then they said someone that miffed me for a good 4 minutes. They said "who's the lucky girl". Now, any of you that know me KNOW that girls aren't my thing. All I could think about hen they were saying that is "you honestly can't tell that I'm gay". I mean, I've never OFFICIALLY come out to people, but pretty much everyone with 2 cents and a brain knows that I'm gay.I was so shocked that they didn't know I was gay. I mean....LOOK AT MY MYSPACE. All of them are on my friends list. -as well as on my face book. Each state that i'm gay and that I like men. I've never dated a girl, and when they TALK about boys I generally chime in... ugh. They kept ASKING me who the girl was. Not only that, but they INSISTED that they go with. I was so frustrated I couldn't talk. I kinda just wanted to die.

I got several text messages from wyatt asking where I was. I eventually told him and he showed up and I DITCHED them. I met his mom, seemed some-what....>I don't distant. I don't think she was expecting me to be black. XD lol. And Wyatt....oh god. Wyatt is  a SO fucking hot. like, I wanted to melt, but like...I was too busy being scared of my friends/intimidated by his mom to really fully melt. XD. So we said hi, and we left his mom to do some shopping.

As soon as we started walking I blabbered on and on and on about the mall. He didn't get a word in. I just talked and talked and talked and talked and he didn't say much of anything. I tend to do that when I'm really nervous...which I was. My main objective was to walk as FAR away from the group of friends as I could. So far that they'd just LEAVE. So we walked down to the opposite end of the store and then walked back. We got in line to buy the tickets and stuff. We ended up going with Cloverfield.

After we got tix, I wanted to go to the candy store. The candy store is the BEST. They sell cany and icces for CHEAP. We spent a good 10 miuntes looking for the candy store JUST to find that it was right next to the movie theater. I FAIL.  I saved about 5 bucks getting a LARGE icee and enough candy to eat after the movie!! You gotta get those deals ,hon-ay! So we got the candy and walked back to the movies. ;)

When we got into the theather, I asked him where he wanted to sit. He said "I dunno":-which is basically his default response to...everything. Wyatt can be absent minded a lot of the times...but he's so cute I don't mind. LOL. Sooo we sat t down and watched the movie.

During the movie he kept fidgiting and stuff. He kept adjusting his clothes and fixing himself. Now, one of the reasons I wanted to go to the movies was for the typical-teenagers cuddlig in the theater thing). I leaned over towards him a few times hoping he'd read my signals, but he didn't. I tried to brush my leg againsts his, but he didn't get it. I was kinda miffed that my charm wasn't working. :( He would make comments during the movie and I genuinley couldn't hear them and asked him to repeat them in my ear. He did-and every time he did (which was several times), I wanted to kiss his cheek SO bad. So we finished the movie. We were bothe pleased, and then we headed out.

We then walked around the mall. Went to Cartoon field and looked at anime stuff, went to Ohayo and looked at Japanese stuff, then we went to go eat in the food court. The date was comming to an end. We started talking and talking and talking. And we TOTALLY started opening up more and more and more and more....but he had to go. He had to be out of there aroun 7:30. :( So he had to leave.
Before he did, he gave me the HOTTEST fucking hug i've ever had. :) He says he has moobs, but I felt some pectoral. He has the STRONGEST arms and he held on to me for an extra long time. :) it was so hot. :)
When he left, I giddishly called my best friend and giggled on the phone with her and waited for my dad to pick me up. He did.
I went home and got RIGHT on the computer. He was on. We started talking and talking about the date. Apparently he WANTED to kiss'n cuddle TOO...but our nervousness canceled eachother out. XD so now i'm all regret ful. XD lol.

I probably wont see him again for a while though :(
I have to wait. :(

Technicly, were not together, but I dont mind that at all. :) as he says "we're takin' it slow"

He found the Advocate

Kay, so if you don't know-i"m not out to my at all.

He was rummaging through my room...for WHATEVER reason and found my Advocate Magazine. So on Sunday, he decided to have this huge talk with me about how if I'm gay, that's fine, but I need to REPENT IF I DONT WANT TO GO TO HELL. Now, i'm semi-religious, but I somehow doubt that me being gay would stop Jesus from loving me. The lecture went on for a while and he started to pretty much say that falling in love with someone of the same gender is okay, but having SEX with them was wrong (too lat for that. DX). It kinda made me mad because like.....ugh. I don't really believe in all that my father does. You know? Honestly. It's just kinda annoying. After a while, what he was talking about sounded like some mythological story. Part of me wants to believe in the Bible, but a the HUGE part of what I am makes me NOT want to believe it. I mean, I've never really been that strong of a believer in God or anything, but I do believe that there is some form of God or something mighty close. To be honest, christianity has made me feel like shit for most of my life. I mean, it's great to believe 80% of what it has to say about being a good person and all that jazz, but it's like......ugh. Everything always has that undertone of "this is normal. This is what you should do. If you don't do this, you're going to hell" and that just makes me feel shitty, as a homosexual. Because just by default I'm damed to hell. Trust me, if I could be straight and happy with it, I TOTALLY WOULD. But I can't and I don't think a lot of people actually understand that about homosexuality. It's not something that people just wake up one day and say "gee, I'm gay". Even the people that claim to have later "found out" that they were gay, have known for most of their lives.

Last week, my friends had planned to go Bowling, well THAT didn't work out because a section of them went to TGI fridays and didn't want us to come along. I was really pissed because the day we were supposed to go, I was supposed to go and see my relatives. As it turns, he's  A LESBIAN. And I fucking missed it. To meet a gay person that's part of the family. I fucking missed it and that made me very very very veyr very very angry. God. my friends. I love them so much but FUCK. It's so hard doing things with them. :(. I mean, I want to go here, but they don't like going there because it's boring/stupid in thier view or thier parents are paranoid. I want to wear this, but they say they won't assocaiate with me if I wear it. Ugh. I don't know.  I really dont.  Sometimes I wish I had non annoying gay male friends....but that's nearly impossible. XD LOL. Gay guys annoy me. LOl that's why i'm teh single. XD

Ugh about that. I guess my whole goal of going to prom with a guy won't happen. xD My dad would die.


For now, I've gotta hold alot of things in if I want to be supported, so I'm not realy going to express anything to him about ....anything. One thing that was good was that he did express that he doesn't want me being gay and him disagreeing to be something that puts a wedge between us. But the very fact that he'll have that I'll be going to hell in the back of his head, will bother me for ever.
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    Little Chirins mix.